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Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A guy visiting his doctor.
“Doc”, he says with a high pitched voice, “I’ve had this high pitched voice since I was 16 years old. And now it begins to annoy me”. Doc says: “I think it has to do with the size of your penis. Tell me, how hung are you?” “Well”, says the guy, “my lill Willy is around a foot and a half”.
The doc replies: “I can fix it for you, but I’ll have to cut off your penis entirely. It can be fixed today if you want.” The guy is ecstatic and lets his lil Willy be removed and indeed his voice returned normal!
After a couple of weeks, the guy gets buyers remorse and goes back to see his doctor. “Doc, I’m having regrets so can we please undo the surgery?”
Doc answers in a high pitched voice: “sorry, no take backs”.
https://redd.it/1c4myb4
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A man applies for a government job
A man applies for a government job
A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.
”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The man says “yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles”
The interviewer is shocked, but assures the man that his disability qualifies him for extra points. “You got the job, sir. Most of us come in at 8am, but you can start tomorrow at 10am.”
“Why do I get to start late?” Asked the man.
“This is a government job. For the first couple hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
PS: I hope it hasn't been reposted for around a month.
https://redd.it/1c4vpqp
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Little Johnny was at school when...
his teacher asked the class 'Jane. What did you do last weekend?
'I went for a ride on a choo choo train.' Jane replied proudly.
'That's fantastic!' replied the teacher, 'but you need to use grown up words. Next time just say train, not choo choo train. Tim, what did you do last weekend?'
Tim thought for a second and said 'I went to granny and grampys house.'
'Oh that's lovely' replied teacher, 'but remember to use grown up words. Grandma and grandpa. Johnny, what did you do last weekend? And remember to use grown up words.'
Johnny though for a few seconds and said 'I read a book'
'Oh very good. What was the name of the book?'
'Whinny The Shit.'
https://redd.it/1c4ind1
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During my prostate exam I asked the Doctor, "Where should I put my pants?"
"Over by mine." was not the answer I expected.
https://redd.it/1c49p7a
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There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth.
Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says "you forgot my lighter bitch!"
https://redd.it/1c43eln
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
https://redd.it/1c45u2b
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The prostitute put on her clothes and said…
… “It was a business doing pleasure with you.”
https://redd.it/1c3ue2l
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What does a porn star use to make bread?
Dill dough
https://redd.it/1c3cii9
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Why was Heisenberg’s wife always sad?
Because when he had the position, he didn’t have the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position.
https://redd.it/1c3hkvw
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The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses.
Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable. Coming to a Neighborhood near you.
https://redd.it/1c36kxk
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What can cause more damage than a container ship without power?
A politician with power.
https://redd.it/1c32ks8
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A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder. The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”
https://redd.it/1c2p9qd
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A plane is about to plummet due to mechanical failure.
The pilot tells the crew and passengers: "I don't think I can recover the ship, you have a few seconds to talk to your family or make your last wish", then a woman stands up and shouts "Is there someone man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?!", upon hearing that a man jumps out of his seat and like an animal tears off his shirt, then says: "Here, iron this!"
https://redd.it/1c2ob06
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Wife walks up to her Husband and asks "Do I look Fat in this dress??"
Husband: "Before I say anything,,, you gotta promise, no matter WHAT I say.... You won't get mad.."
Wife: "Ok.. I promise."
Husband: "I fucked your sister."
https://redd.it/1c2jpn8
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Pete meets Ted
So, there's this guy, Pete, who got into troubles with the local gang. So, the gang members took him and brought him to a 7 feet, 300lbs giant named Ted.
They told Ted: "To this guy, you will fuck him in the ass so he'll learn not to fuck with us."
Ted replied: "Alright, leave it to me."
The poor Pete asked for mercy: "Please Mr. Ted, don't fuck me in the ass."
Ted replied: "Shut up or I'll break your jaw."
The gang members brought another guy and told Ted: "To this guy, cut his hands off so he won't steal from us again."
Ted replied: "Alright, leave it to me."
Then, they brought another guy and told Ted: "To this one, cut his testicles off so he won't sleep with our women again."
Ted replied: "Alright, leave it to me."
Finally, they brought a last guy and told Ted: "To this one, cut him in pieces and send it to his relatives."
After the gang members left, Pete said to Ted: "Don't forget Ted so there isn't any confusion, I'm the one you have to fuck in the ass."
https://redd.it/1c2325v
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In a lush, green forest, there stood a birch tree and a beech tree ...
In a lush, green forest, there stood a birch tree and a beech tree, neighbors for many years. One spring morning, they noticed a young sapling had sprouted up between them. The birch tree, peering down at the newcomer, declared, "That's definitely a birch!" The beech tree, disagreeing, responded, "No, it's clearly a beech!"
Their daily bickering was relentless, "It’s a birch!" "It’s a beech!" echoed through the woods, neither willing to yield. The young sapling, too immature to speak for itself, just swayed silently in the breeze.
One sunny morning, a magestic pileated woodpecker flew into their midst, attracted by the noise. Desperate for a resolution, both trees agreed to ask the woodpecker to settle their dispute. "Oh wise woodpecker, with all your experience, could you please tell us if this sapling is a birch or a beech?"
The woodpecker, intrigued, hopped down to the sapling and pecked at it thoroughly. After a few moments, he looked up and declared, "My dear friends, after considerable investigation, I can conclusively say that this sapling is neither a birch nor a beech. In fact, that’s the best piece of Ash I’ve ever put my pecker in!"
https://redd.it/1c4w76s
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Three retired surgeons were bragging about their accomplishments.
One doctor bragged that he had a patient show up with 2 legs missing from a tractor accident. He fixed him all up and he became the greatest basketball player of all time.
The next doctor bragged that he had a shark bite patient who had his arms bitten off. He fixed him up and he became a superstar NFL quarterback.
The third doctor laughed at them and said “Oh yeah? Well one time I had a patient arrive after being in a catastrophic car accident. The only thing they were able to recover was his asshole and a bag of Cheetos. I sewed him back together and he went on to become the president of the United States!”
https://redd.it/1c4smas
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[NSFW] A Sex Ed teacher walks into class, reaches into his desk, and pulls out a banana and a condom…
He says “ok kids, today I’m going to show you how to put on a condom and I need this banana because I can’t get a boner on an empty stomach.”
https://redd.it/1c4k97b
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Little Johnny learns about surnames
The teacher stands at the front of the class.
"So, what have we learned today about surnames? Can you figure out what your ancestors did all day? ... Yes, Tommy *Smith*?"
"My family used to make shoes for horses!"
"That's right! And yes, you, Janey *Archer*? What did your ancestors do?"
"They shot bows and arrows?"
"That's correct Janey!"
Little Johnny puts up his hand nervously. He looks worried.
"Yes," says the teacher, "Do you have a question, Johnny Dickinson?"
https://redd.it/1c4c5ei
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Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
https://redd.it/1c44zvd
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Why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians?
Because Rock beats scissors.
https://redd.it/1c3vt2j
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My snooty friend always uses French words like hors d’oeuvres in his day-to-day conversation.
And that’s just…for starters.
https://redd.it/1c3s17u
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Proctologist…
A man goes to a proctologist for his bi-annual prostate exam.
After the procedure the doctor tells the man his prostate indeed felt enlarged.
“Wait a minute, doc! I’ve been doing everything right lately!”, the man protests. “I eat healthy, I exercise— I want a second opinion!”
So the doctor bends him over again and uses two fingers.
https://redd.it/1c3haeh
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Boy and his dad were driving home from the ice cream shop when the boy asks, 'Why is my sister called Teresa?" "It's because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."
"Oh. Thanks dad."
"You're welcome Alan."
https://redd.it/1c3cv19
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I'm too sophisticated to use the phrase "Get your shit together"
Instead I prefer to say
"Get your poop in a group"
https://redd.it/1c36qhp
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A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."
https://redd.it/1c2y5v9
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An army sergeant walks into a drugstore and places a ragged condom on the counter.
“How much to repair this?”, he asks.
The pharmacist looks over the condom, saying “It’s ripped in a couple of places, and there are several holes in it, but it’s repairable. But honestly, I’d just replace it with a new one”.
The sergeant said he’d have to go away and think it over.
Later that day he returned. “After much discussion”, he said to the pharmacist, “The regiment has decided to invest in a new one!”.
https://redd.it/1c2r707
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My girlfriend made me wear a condom, but then apologized profusely about it later.
I guess she’d rather be safe then sorry.
https://redd.it/1c2l4oh
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An Irishman went into a department store and asked the sales assistant:
“Do you sell potato clocks?”
“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “I’ve never heard of such a thing. We sell digital clocks, alarm clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks and even grandfather clocks, but what exactly is a potato clock?”
“I don’t know either,” replied the Irishman,
“but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and my wife said to me:
‘You’d better get a potato clock.’”
https://redd.it/1c2ii32
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3 army generals bet who has the bravest soldiers
3 army generals bet who has the bravest soldiers. The first general calls one of his men and commands him: "You see that tall flag pole? Climb to the top of it and jump down."
The soldier is hesitant at first, but then begins to climb the pole. When he reaches the top, he jumps... but breaks a leg.
The other two generals salute the man for his bravery. The second general calls a soldier and tells him: "See that flag pole? Climb it and do a front-flip onto the ground. The man climbs the pole and performs a flip, as the general wished. Unfortunately, upon impact, the soldier tragically breaks his spine.
The generals, again, salute the soldier for his bravery. And finally, it's the third generals turn. He calls a soldier and commands: "Soldier! Take this backpack full of bricks, climb that flag pole and perform a double back-flip onto the ground."
The soldier laughs and replies:
"Haha, boss. Fuck you and your commands!"
The general proudly crosses his arms and exclaims:
"Guys, THIS is what I call bravery!"
https://redd.it/1c23lvq
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