1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Good 'ol 967
A blonde woman motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she got flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The trucker walked up to her car and asked, "Are you headed to San Diego?
"Sure," said the blonde, "do you need a lift?
"Not me. I'll be here for the next couple hours fixing my truck, the problem is I’ve got these two chimps in the back that must be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re really stressed as it is, and I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me to get rolling again. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? “I can give you $300 for your trouble.”
"I'd be delighted to," said the blonde. And so, the trucker gently seated the two chimps in the back of the blonde’s car, strapped them in, and off they went, leaving the truck driver back.
Five hours later, as the trucker was making his way through downtown San Diego, he had to stop at an intersection where a big crowd had gathered. He went a little further and suddenly spotted the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd of onlookers. He screeched to a halt and ran over to the blonde and demanded, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I gave you $300 to take these two chimps over to the zoo!”
"Yes, I know you did, but we had money left over, so now we’re headed to Sea World.”
https://redd.it/1pp2xlz
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An American takes a trip to Ireland.
The first day, he goes to the golf course. He goes up to a group of guys and says "I'm quite a strong golfer, and I'm looking for a strong opponent. Anyone you fellas know who'd be willing to play?" One of them says "Micheline is your man" and gives him Micheline's number.
The American calls him, asking if he wants to play. Micheline says "I'll meet you at the course at 9 o'clock tomorrow, but I might be a half hour late".
They play the next day. Micheline, with his solid right hand swing, beats the American handily. The American is surprised, but chalks it up to his travel weariness. "Can we play again tomorrow?" "Sure", Micheline says, "at 9 o'clock—but I might be a half hour late."
They play again the next day, Micheline swinging with his left this time, beating the American handily once more. The American is perplexed.
"Yesterday, you play with your right hand, you win. Today, you play with your left hand, you win. I just don't get it. How do you even decide which hand you'll play with?'
"Well, I get up in the morning, and I looks over at the wife. If she's laying on her right side, I bring my right-handed clubs. If she's laying on her left, I bring the left-handed clubs."
"And what if she's laying on her back?"
"I'll be a half hour late."
https://redd.it/1pow3ku
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Haunted house
Kid: Dad, the maid told me we should leave this house because it's haunted.
Dad: Pack your bags, we're leaving today!
Kid: Dad, do you really believe in ghosts?
Dad: WE DON'T HAVE A MAID!!!
(credit to /u/Waitsfornoone )
https://redd.it/1poqnhg
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I told my wife, if I won the lottery, all our neighbors will be millionaires.
Because we're moving.
https://redd.it/1pogee5
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Fred had not long to live...
Fred had not long to live. The dying old man was sent home by the hospice nurse, who agreed it would be better for him to pass away among his loved ones.
His grandsons and nieces carefully carried him up the stairs to the spare bedroom, where he dozed off after all the excitement of the move.
A couple hours later he awoke to the unmistakable and wonderful smell of his wife’s famous oatmeal raisin cookies baking downstairs. The aroma energized him, so he thought he’d show the others – and himself – that he still had some life left in him.
Fred eased one leg out of bed, then the other. He grabbed the edge of the dresser, worked his way to the stairs and muttered “here goes…” Carefully, slowly, one step at a time, he reached the bottom of the stairs and shuffled his way to the kitchen. There it was… a plateful of those perfect, freshly baked cookies!
Fred made his way over to the plate, reached out and… SLAP! His wife hit him on the back of the hand, yelling "Fred, NO! Those are for the funeral!"
https://redd.it/1poet3s
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It's the first day of the parapsychology class. The professor asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?" All of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"
About 90% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"
About 20% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?"
One hand in the back goes up.
"Really!" says the professor. "I've been teaching this class for 15 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'"
https://redd.it/1po5p5f
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A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of a happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she begins praying:
“Lord, I know what I did was wrong… but my marriage is the one thing that brings me purpose and joy. Please don’t let my husband find out.”
Suddenly, a voice from above replies,
“Okay, my child. I will spare your marriage — but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning.”
She hesitates, then says,
“Alright, Lord… if it means he’ll never know, so be it.”
Life goes on. Her business flourishes, her marriage stays strong, and she enjoys years of comfort — all while forgetting her promise… and continuing to cheat many times over.
One day, she books herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the trip, a loud BOOM shakes the ship, and it begins to sink.
Panicked, she suddenly remembers her deal with God and cries out,
“Lord! You’re not going to drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me… right?”
She hears the familiar voice again:
“Are you kidding me? I’ve been working on gathering all you cheaters on this one boat for YEARS!”
https://redd.it/1pnuxxn
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A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep
https://redd.it/1pnn91p
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A police officer called the station…
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet!"
https://redd.it/1pnd634
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Seasonal joke
There are 4 phases of life.
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.
https://redd.it/1pmrupk
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Two chemists walked into a bar.
The first chemist said "I'd like some H2O, please!". So the bartender got him some water.
The second chemist said "I'd like some H2O as well."
The first chemist cried. His assassination attempt had failed.
https://redd.it/1pmj4xy
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A teacher is teaching good manners to her third-grade class and asks them how they would excuse themselves to use the restroom during a dinner date.
Michael answers, "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher says this is rude.
Sherman answers, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." The teacher says this is better, but mentioning the bathroom at the table isn't nice.
Little Johnny answers, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
https://redd.it/1pms7zz
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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife had been arguing and were now giving each other the
silent treatment, when the man suddenly realized that the next day he would
have to catch an early flight and he would need his wife to wake him at 0500.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and "lose", he wrote a note on a
piece of paper and left it where he knew she would see it:
"Please wake me at 0500"
The next morning, the man woke up, only to find out that it was 0900 and he
had missed his flight. Infuriated, he was about to go and confront his wife and
see why she didn't wake him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed:
"It's 0500. Wake up."
https://redd.it/1pm79ox
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$10,000 a bullet
An assassin who charges 10 grand per bullet, was enjoying a few drinks at his drinking hole when a man approached him.
“Are you the assassin who charges 10 grand per bullet?” the man asks.
“Yes I am” says the assassin.
“Good, good good good. Okay. My wife cheating on me. I know this thing. I’ve got 20 grand. Let’s go.”
They drive to the convenience store across the road from the hotel and climb to the roof.
The man points to a window, says they’re in that room.
“Now here’s what I want you to do. I want you to shoot her in the head. And I want you to shoot him in the dick.”
“You got it” says the assassin, who proceeds to set up a sniper rifle scope, got into position, and
point the weapon at the indicated window.
He sits there, not doing anything for a while.
Finally the man says “well, are you going to do it or not?”
“Patience my friend. Patience” the assassin replies.
“I might be able to save you ten grand.”
https://redd.it/1plw9bb
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…
“In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, “These are Carol's."
https://redd.it/1plwm68
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How to get to Heaven from Scotland …
How to get to Heaven from Scotland …
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Ye got tae be fookin' dead"
https://redd.it/1poxkar
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Today I was beat up by a busty woman in an elevator.
Today I was beat up by a busty woman in an elevator. Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said please press one. I don't remember much after that.
https://redd.it/1pouz6t
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The missus brought home a tub of ice cream…
The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.
"How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked."
I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"
https://redd.it/1poakr2
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The Dallas Cowboys visited an orphanage today.
“It was sad to see so many faces without hope.” said Phillip, aged 6.
https://redd.it/1poizr5
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A guy steps out of a small suburban train station outside Paris and looks for a taxi…
He asks a driver,
“How much to get to Paris?”
“Fifty euros.”
“I’ve only got forty. Can you take me?”
“Nope. Fifty.”
“Alright,” the guy says. “Then drive me as far as you think forty euros will get me.”
The driver shrugs. “Hop in.”
A few kilometers before the city, the cab suddenly pulls over.
“That’s it. Get out.”
“What? Come on,” the guy says. “It’s raining, and it’s only a couple more kilometers!”
“Out. Now.”
⸻
A week later, the same guy is back at the same station. This time there are eight taxis in line — including the same driver from before.
The guy walks up to the first taxi and asks,
“How much to Paris?”
“Fifty euros.”
“I’ll give you a hundred,” the guy says. “Fifty to drive me to Paris, and fifty for… a VERY personal favor 😏”
The driver explodes. “What the hell is wrong with you?! Get lost!”
The guy goes to the next taxi. Same offer. Same reaction.
He goes down the entire line, getting yelled at by every driver.
Finally, he reaches the driver who kicked him out the week before.
“How much to Paris?” he asks.
“You know it’s fifty.”
“I’ll give you a hundred,” the guy says.
“Fifty to take me to Paris…
and for the other fifty, when we pull away, I want you to wave at your colleagues and give them a smile.”
https://redd.it/1poam2n
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My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.
I swam up to the surface instead.
https://redd.it/1pnsamy
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“Listen my boy”…
“Listen my boy”, said the old man to his grandson on his deathbed, “I want to give you this revolver to remember me by”.
The grandson looked nervously at the old man, and stammering asked if it was okay to get his Rolex instead, since he was against guns.
Visible angered, the old man said, “Soon, my boy, you will inherit the company. You will earn lots of money, and you will be married to a beautiful woman. Together you will have lots of kids. And yet, suddenly, one day when you arrive home, you will find her in bed with another man. And then what will you do? Point at them with your Rolex and yell, TIME’s UP!!??”
https://redd.it/1pnkyej
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On Friday night I biked to the liquor store to get a bottle of whiskey.
I put it in the basket, and just when I was about to head back, I thought that if I fell, the bottle would break. So I decided to drink it all right there and then to be on the safe side. Good thing I did as I actually fell 5 times on my way back home.
https://redd.it/1pndgt1
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Not saying it's cold outside
But I did notice my car's antenna was 3 inches shorter this morning
https://redd.it/1pn5x04
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A 20-something guy came into work last Monday, bragging about the girl he met on Friday night
He was showing photos of her around the office. He came to me and asked, “Isn’t she beautiful?”
I replied, “if you think *she’s* hot, you should see *my* wife.
The guy asks, “Is your wife a smokeshow or something?”
I replied, “She’s an optometrist”
https://redd.it/1pmqvcj
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I went to a fancy-dress party last night dressed as an egg. There was a girl there in a chicken costume.
I said to her, "so, are we going to find out or what?"
https://redd.it/1pmmdd0
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I took a nurse back to my place….
I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex. As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few dicks where you work. How do you rate mine?"
She said, "It's slightly bigger than most I see."
"Thanks," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?"
"I'm a midwife!"
https://redd.it/1pml4hq
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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer interviewing her asks her a few questions.
What’s 2+2?
She replied, “4”
What’s the square root of 100?
She answered, “10”
Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Puzzled she responds, “hmmm, I don’t know”
Officer tells her to go home and think about it and come back tomorrow.
The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job.
She responds excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
https://redd.it/1pmddjj
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Smartest guys from Arkansas, Mississippi and Florida are called in for a top secret position in the government.
As a skill test, the team put a side profile picture of a potential suspect in front of the candidates and asked what they could deduce:
The guy from Arkansas went in first and said " I can tell that this person has a weak eyesight because he has only one eye"
The hiring team held their head in their hands and asked him to leave the room at once.
The guy fron Mississippi said " I can tell that this person is weak of hearing since he has only one ear"
Similar reaction from the hiring team.
Finally with very little hope they asked the Floridian, he said " I can tell that he is wearing contact lenses" The hiring team frantically goes through their notes and shockingly find it to be true. Sensing that maybe the Florida man may have really good eyesight, they asked him to share how he deduced that.
The Florida man said "I heard the responses of the other two guys and there's no way he can wear eyeglasses with a single ear for his poor eyesight"
https://redd.it/1pm3see
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Dick Van Dyke comes back from a orgy
His friend sees him and asks "Well, how was it?"
He replies "It was a pretty shitty gang bang"
https://redd.it/1pm0t66
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