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Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
The Post Office announced a new first class stamp commemorating prostitution.
It only costs 65 cents, or 2 dollars if you want to lick it.
https://redd.it/1c7t7fj
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What's the similarity between a porn film and a horror film?
An unknown person knocks the door and everyone gets fucked!
https://redd.it/1c7rwyt
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Sometimes I feel ashamed of how often I masturbate…
But I try not to beat myself up about it.
https://redd.it/1c79zlb
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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she starts to fit in your wife's clothes.
https://redd.it/1c78469
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.
"I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
https://redd.it/1c7ect5
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At an international meeting of Brewing Companies three CEO's decided to share a drink before leaving.
As they reached the bar the CEO of Budweiser said he'd have the best beer in the world and ordered a bud.
The CEO of Worthington's begged to differ and said the best beer in the world is Trophy Bitter and he ordered one.
When it was the CEO of Guinness' turn he ordered a coke.
The other two CEOs were aghast and asked why he wasn't drinking a Guinness.
He replied as you two were ordering soft drinks I thought I'd join you.
​
\[An old joke dating way back, when Trophy Bitter was a thing.\]
https://redd.it/1c74cop
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Does it never-fail joke?
I went to the doctors recently
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
https://redd.it/1c6vd7o
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A man with a Great Dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”
One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?” The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.” He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.” The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.” “A great dane? Really?” Says the manager. “Yeah, they just got them into service. He’s great at protecting me, and his sense of smell allows me to easily find my way around the city” The manager decides to let him in. The man with the Chihuahua was watching carefully, and goes “how hard can this be?” So he puts on his sunglasses and goes to the bar. The manager sees him and says once again: “sorry sir, not pets allowed.” You don’t understand, this is my guide dog.” “A chihuahua?” “A CHIHUAHUA?! THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!”
​
\*\* Please note that this joke is not mine. Link to original joke will be in the comments post by OP.
https://redd.it/1c6o4tu
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I went to watch a faith healer last night and he was the worst ever.
Even this one guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out!
https://redd.it/1c6e8jz
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At his wedding, my buddy told me that I’m the worst best man he has ever seen.
I…was speechless.
https://redd.it/1c69edn
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A cowboy is captured by a native war party.
As he is bound in the middle of the camp, the chief comes up to him and says "in this land, we grant prisoners of war three days before they are executed. Each day, the prisoner can make one request and we will decide if we honor the request or not. What is your first request?"
The cowboy thinks for a minute and asks to speak to his horse. The chief grants his request the cowboy whispers something into his horse's ear. The horse gallops off and returns a couple hours later with a beautiful blonde on its back. The chief shakes his head muttering, 'white man.' He shows them to a teepee and leaves.
The next day the chief comes to the cowboy and asks "what is your second request?"
"I'd like to speak with my horse please."
And so, the horse is shown to the cowboy, who whispers into its ear. The horse leaves, only to return with a curvaceous brunette. Again, the chief let's them use a teepee. "White man, can only think of one thing" he says.
The third day arrives. The chief asks "What is your final request?"
The cowboy, visibly frustrated, demands to see his horse again. He grabs the horse's ear and whispers harshly into it "Now listen here you stupid animal!! Posse!! Posse!!"
https://redd.it/1c63puv
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I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine.
https://redd.it/1c5yc7i
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After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
https://redd.it/1c5fqkw
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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
https://redd.it/1c5dtz1
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A man sees his physician
“D-d-doc”, he says, “I’ve had th-th-th-this stutter s-since I was s-s-sixteen years old. And n-n-now it begins to b-b-bother me”.
The doctor says, “I think it has to do with the size of your penis. Tell me, how hung are you?” “W-w-well”, says the guy, “it’s ab-b-bout a f-f-foot and a h-half”.
The doc replies: “I can fix it for you, but I’ll have to cut off your penis entirely. It can be fixed today if you want.” The guy is ecstatic and lets his penis be removed and indeed his stutter disappears!
After a couple of weeks, the guy gets buyers remorse and goes back to see his doctor. “Doc, I’m having regrets so can we please undo the surgery?”
Doc answers back “S-s-sorry, n-no take b-b-backs”.
https://redd.it/1c4v31k
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A man went to the psychiatrist wearing pants made of glass…
The psychiatrist said, “I can clearly see your nuts.”.
https://redd.it/1c7yo6a
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Scorpion in Your Tent
One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately.
The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?"
Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside."
Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside."
Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it."
Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room."
https://redd.it/1c7vz6f
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A chicken walks into the library....
A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book."
The librarian says, "You want a book?"
"Book."
"Any book?"
"Book."
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book".
The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”
"Book-book."
So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comes back later.
"Book-book-book."
"Three books?"
"Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she’ll follow the chicken and find out what’s going on. And the chicken goes down the alley, out of town and toward the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says,
"Reddit…Reddit…Reddit…”
https://redd.it/1c7hddo
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A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
“Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
“But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
“Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
“Oh, okay!”
https://redd.it/1c7inn6
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Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia.
After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions.
Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up.
“Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked.
“Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell rang, and all the children rushed out the classroom to have lunch. However, the children were also confused, as the bell wasn’t supposed to go this early. The lunch break seemed much longer than usual to many children.
When the bell rang again and the children got back into the classroom, Putin and the teacher were waiting there.
“Any more questions?” Putin asked.
Damien shot his hand up almost immediately.
“Yes, Damien?” Putin said, pointing at Damien.
“Well, I have four questions.” Damien said.
“Go ahead and ask them.” Putin replied.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union? Why do you want to take Crimea? Why did the bell for lunch ring 20 minutes early? And where is Aleksandr?”
https://redd.it/1c75c4m
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When you said “friends with benefits”…
… I assumed you offered a dental plan.
https://redd.it/1c6z8z2
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A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you marry another man?"
A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you get another marriage?"
The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting another marriage when I'm gone? "
He replied, "No, same with you. I'm going to go live with your sister."
https://redd.it/1c6w3ql
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Bank robbers arrived just before closing and ordered the tellers, clerks, guards, and remaining customers to take off all of their clothes and lie face down behind the counter.
One nervous blonde pulled off her clothes and lay down facing upwards. “Turn over!” whispered the girl next to her “This is a robbery, not an office party!”
https://redd.it/1c66ufl
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Bus full of nuns falls of a cliff and they all die......
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St.Peter.
St.peter says to them
"Sisters, welcome to heaven, in a moment I'll let you through the pearly gates and into the heaven, but before I do that I must ask each of you a single question"
St Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her
"Sister, have you ever touched a man's penis?"
Sister responds
"Welllll there was this one time I touched one with the tip of my pinkey finger"
St.peter says
"Alright Sister, now dip your pinky in the holy water and you may go"
And she did so
St.peter now turns to the second nun and says
"Sister, have you ever touched a man's penis?"
The nun replies
"Well there was this one time I held one for a moment"
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the holy water and you may be admitted"
And she does so. Suddenly there is a noise in the back of the lines. It seems one nun is cutting in line in front of the others and is pushing and knocking over other nuns.
St.peter sees this and asks the nun
"Sister Susan what is this, there is no rush"
Sister Susan responds
"Well I just want to gargle this holy water before Sister Mary dips her bloody ass in it"
https://redd.it/1c6frhb
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What's the setup to this joke?
The gist of it is one guy asks his buddy "you ever do a girl in the other hole?" And his buddy says "no way I don't want to get her pregnant" but I don't really remember how the whole joke goes or a funny way to tell it.
https://redd.it/1c65ngz
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I don't know if I can request jokes here but if I can I'd love some help from you funny folks.
I sell Medicare plans and I gotta ask clients what their needs are and I like to make them laugh if possible. I've got to ask what their dental, vision, hearing, transportation needs(some plans pay for users to docs), stuff for fitness, food/utility cards, and over thr counter cards(basically money for stuff). I've got to ask for docs and drugs too. All of which are individual questions like "what are your vision needs. When's the last time you've seen a dentist blah blah). It's all over the phone. Any jokes you could make up for this would be helpful. Even if I can't use em I'll take the laugh XD please and thank you.
-I put nsfw cause it's reddit.
https://redd.it/1c5rnke
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Did you hear about the new drink called "Karen"?
It's an aged, white wine.
https://redd.it/1c5vu85
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Little Johnny missed school one day
The next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied: "I had to take the cow to be inseminated by a bull." The teacher asked, "Couldn't your daddy have done that?" To which Johnny replies, "Maybe, but the bull does it better."
https://redd.it/1c5jeud
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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice
She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know—I thought you were watching.”
https://redd.it/1c5fllc
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The doorbell.
A woman tired of the dating scene and desperate for a decent boyfriend put a personal ad in the paper. The ad read "Wanted: a good man that won't beat me, won't run around on me, and good in bed."
The next day, her doorbell rang. She answered the door to find a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheel chair. He told her that he was there in response to her ad.
She asked "What makes you think you will be a good fit?"
He replied, "I don't have arms, so I can't beat you, and I don't have legs, so I can't run around on you."
She then asked, "Are you any good in bed?"
He replied, "I rang the doorbell."
https://redd.it/1c55clv
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