1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I can't get that song "She's a Lady" out of my head... It keeps repeating and repeating, and it just won't go away...."
The doctor says, "Hmmm.... sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome."
The guy says, "I never heard of that. Is it rare?"
And the doctor says, "It's not unusual."
https://redd.it/1sjfd3y
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Double or nothing
A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in the public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.
One day, enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.
Finally, they are called in a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.
“My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”
The doubles collectively sigh with relief.
Then a big man with an axe enters the room.
“Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”
https://redd.it/1sixn4z
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Immediately after mass one Sunday morning, a man stops to shake the preacher's hand. "That was a goddamned fine sermon you gave today," the man tells the preacher. "Goddamned fine!"
"Thank you, sir," the preacher answers, "but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord's house."
"You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that fucking sermon that I put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!" says the man.
And the preacher says, "No shit!"
https://redd.it/1simh6q
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What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?
EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
https://redd.it/1sipkgo
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A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." Poof! The horse immediately disappears.
This is a joke playing on the fundamental philosophical proposition of “cogito ergo sum”, or "I think, therefore I am."
I would have explained that first, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
https://redd.it/1sihlz9
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A dentist tells his patient, "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"
The patient says, "Yes, doc. I'm ready."
And the dentist says, "I'm sleeping with your wife."
https://redd.it/1shxjws
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What is the speed limit of sex?
68, because at 69 you have to turn around.
https://redd.it/1si05jv
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little Johnny was curious about women's breasts
he asks his mom
she said: "we use them to give milk to babies"
little Johnny became even more curious and starts asking more questions
his mom says: "you know what, actually they're balloons, that's how we get up to heaven when we die, they blow up and lift us into heaven"
little Johnny seems satisfied with the answer
a few days go by and one day little Johnny goes running to his dad who just came back from work
he says: "dad, mom is dying"
his dad says: "what are you talking about?"
little Johnny says: "this morning i saw uncle Steve blowing up her balloons and she was saying oh God I'm coming"
https://redd.it/1shmz1q
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A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch.
Until one Sunday when his wife found herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wrapped up his lunch and put it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wore on.
Finally, he pulled into the driveway and she ran out to meet him. ''Where have you been,'' she asked?
''Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole'' he replied. ''Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!''
''Oh no that's terrible,'' the wife exclaimed!
''Yeah so for the whole rest of the day it was 'hit the ball, drag Walter. Hit the ball, drag Walter...'''
https://redd.it/1shjhww
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I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night.
I snuck up behind an older lady, started fu king her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a bl wjob, was my dad
I said "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum"
He said "I'm not."
https://redd.it/1shdi5m
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A man drives a Hummer to a gas station and starts filling up.
A minute passes. Then three. Then five. The meter keeps running.
Confused, the man asks the gas station attendant, "why won't my Hummer fill up"?
"Try turning the engine off", said the attendant.
https://redd.it/1sh7vfz
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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met...
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"15,000$" she replies.
"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."
https://redd.it/1sgybxw
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A clown walks into a bar.
His demeanor is awful. He asks the bartender for a shot, but tells him he won't be able to pay for it.
The bartender takes one look at his face and decides he needs it. "Sure, buddy. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?""
The clown downs the shot and says "My God. Today is the worst day of my life. I'm in town for a comedy show, but my Joke Gopher was stolen, the show was cancelled, my hotel reservation was cancelled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!" He slumps in his seat and shakes his head.
The bartender pours him another shot. "Wow, that's a really awful day. I'm sorry, but what's a Joke Gopher?"
The clown shakes his head again. "Not much these days, or I wouldn't be begging for drinks!"
https://redd.it/1sgpg8o
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Dave pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?” Dave beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."
"She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
https://redd.it/1sfpeku
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I went to a homosexual cookout and met so many lovely people.
I've never felt so welcomed by the LGBBQ community.
https://redd.it/1ses2he
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A lonely single guy takes a dump in the toilet. He's about to flush it down when he hears a voice call out to him: "Please don't flush!" The man is shocked to see his poop has a face. "Oh my God. What are you?" "I'm a fuckin' genie! Get me out of here and I'll grant you a wish, you sad-ass loser."
The man is skeptical. "You're a genie?"
"That's right, ya dumb bitch!"
"How did you become a poop log?"
"It's a long fucking story, okay. Once I'm free I'll tell you the whole fucking thing, but I'm drowning in this shit can. Get me the hell out!"
"Okay, okay!"
The man runs to his kitchen and finds a pair of tongs. He brings them back and lowers them into the toilet.
"Careful with those tongs, asswipe! Slice me up, you can kiss your wish goodbye!"
The man carefully scoops out the poop and places him on his bathroom floor. The poop sprouts little legs and immediately shouts, "Later, bitch!" And sprints out the door.
"Hey!" the man cries out. "I thought you were a genie! What about my wish?"
The poop turns around, grabs his crotch, and says, "I was just talking shit, mothafucka!"
https://redd.it/1sj3uzk
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My son turned 13 so I thought it was a good time to tell him about the birds and the bees.
He thought it was a good time to tell me about my wife and the FedEx driver.
https://redd.it/1sj1jkz
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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That's nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”
The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
https://redd.it/1siy18t
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How can you tell Mike Tyson does not like religion?
Because he punches everyone on their faith.
https://redd.it/1sim6po
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I'm reading through the manual for my new kitchen appliance right now and it's hard going.
It said "First show that you can cook one meal". Fine, easy enough.
Now I'm at the section where it says "Demonstrate that if you can cook k meals then you can cook k \+ 1 meals".
I guess I shouldn't have bought an induction stove.
https://redd.it/1sifdwm
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I was watching the news this morning
when the presenter said;
"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, that's not something to be proud of and it sounds like you should be under investigation
https://redd.it/1si7jsp
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Best part of being on the Artemis II crew?
When you tell your loved ones that you love them to the moon and back you are absolutely correct.
https://redd.it/1shynv2
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled mess. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
https://redd.it/1shku7j
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Little Johnny is watching sport on a huge flatscreen TV when his Dad sticks his head around the bedroom door.
"Where'd you get that TV from, son?" says Dad.
"I bought it with my hiking money," says Little Johnny.
"What?" says Dad. "Whoever pays anyone 'hiking money'?"
"Uncle George did all last summer," says Little Johnny. "Whenever he came around to see Mom, he always said 'here's twenty bucks, kid -- take a hike!"
https://redd.it/1shii8c
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"Mommy, if big cows can have little cows, and big horses can have little horses, and big people can have little people, why can't big trains have little trains?"
"That's a real good question. You should ask the engineer that question."
"Mr. Engineer, Mr. Engineer, my Mommy sent me up here to ask you, if big cows can have little cows, and big horses can have little horses, and big people can have little people, why can't big trains have little trains?"
"Kid, you tell your mother that the Northern Pacific railroad always pulls out in time."
https://redd.it/1sh8ziw
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Age brings wisdom
A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by.
The dog immediately settles down to chew on the bones turning his back to the approaching leopard.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog loudly says:
"My, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard slinks away.
"That was too close," thought the leopard, "that dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a mischievous monkey had observed the entire scene, and decided to cause trouble for the dog, while getting on the good side of the leopard as well.
The monkey dashed off after the leopard, to tell him what truly happened.
The dog saw the monkey dash off, and suspiciously tailed him from behind.
He overhears the monkey spilling the beans, and quickly decides on a course of action, racing back to the pile of bones.
At the same time, the leopard has decided to take care of the dog once and for all.
The monkey hops on the leopard's back, to watch the demise of the doomed dog.
As the leopard approaches, he can hear the dog talking to himself:
"Where's that lazy monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago for another leopard, and he's still not back!"
https://redd.it/1sgu70w
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Three men walk into a bar, sit down and order three beers. The first man has an iguana on his shoulder, the second man is holding a cat but not wearing any pants, and the third man is covered head-to-toe in bees.
The bartender sets a beer in front of the first man and asks, "What's the deal with the iguana?"
The first man says, "Oh, I'm recently unemployed. I was a zookeeper, actually, and since I like reptiles, they let me keep him as part of my severance package."
The bartender sets a beer in front of the second man and asks about his situation.
"I just got divorced. My wife took everything-- the house, the kids, the car, even most of my clothes. All I have left is this cat that I love."
Lastly, the bartender sets a beer in front of the man covered in bees and asks him, "All right, what's your story?"
And the man with the bees screams, "Get these frigging bees off me!"
https://redd.it/1sgolhz
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
https://redd.it/1sgm9wa
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A time traveller goes back to ancient Rome and immediately starts looking for local clothing.
He finds a tailor's shop and says "Hey, could I have a toga please?"
"Sure, what size?" says the shopkeeper.
"I don't know. Let's try an L."
The shopkeeper hands him a toga, the time traveller tries it on, then he says "It's a bit tight. Could I try an XL, please?"
And the shopkeeper says "What's the fucking point of asking for a smaller one?"
https://redd.it/1sf262h
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My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...
Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
https://redd.it/1ses6br
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