1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A kid goes to the beachshore everyday looking for treasures
One morning he spots something shiny in the sand. He digs it up and it’s a Rolex watch. He puts it in his pocket and runs home.
He yells out, "Mom, look what I found at the beach."
His mom replies, "So you finally found a treasure."
He says, “Yeah, it’s about time.”
https://redd.it/1wtrc3z
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What’s fancy in Britain but trashy in the U.S.?
Banging a 500 pound hooker
https://redd.it/1wtm1q7
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As punishment for a small infraction, Carlos found himself sentenced...
As punishment for a small infraction, Carlos found himself sentenced to twenty years in a labour camp. He was allowed to live at home, but each day he had to report to the camp to put in his 12-hour shift. When he came and when he left, he was of course searched for contraband, weapons, and the like. So, the guards were naturally suspicious when he started leaving each day with a wheelbarrow full of straw. Each day they diligently searched the straw down to the last fibre, but they never found anything. With his sentence now over, he left the camp for the final time and the guard stopped him one last time.
"Okay, Carlos," he said with a wry grin. "You're free to go now, but I need you to tell me what you were stealing all those years. I knew you were smuggling something out and you knew that I knew. It doesn't matter now anyway. What was it?"
"Wheelbarrows."
https://redd.it/1wtcp6z
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Lisa: I am breaking up with you John. You think I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers.
John: You know what? I do think you talk like a pirate. And I didn't even know you sold flowers!
https://redd.it/1wt55s0
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I was feeling depressed, my wife put her hand on my back and said "Earth."
It meant the world to me.
https://redd.it/1wsy2x3
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Walking down the street,
a starving musician. With nothing to my name but my guitar and one banana. I'm saving that for my next meal. Already hungry, I am determined to save that one banana until I can't stand it anymore.
Suddenly, a stage door opened, and the Stage Manager leans out, yelling, "Any guitar players out here? I need a guitar player QUICK!"
"I'm a guitar player," I said. "What are you paying?"
He looked at me, looked at my banana, and said, "Well, I was gonna offer a rag like you 10 bux, but I ain't eat all day. If you give me that banana, I'll pay you Union wages. "
So, yes, dear reader, I traded my
Banana for scale.
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"I hear you have a vacation coming up!" said Dave to his co-worker, Bob.
"That's right," said Bob. "Heading for Acapulco."
"You must be excited!"
"Yeah," said Bob, "but I'm also a little concerned. During the last three vacations, my wife has gotten pregnant. Last year it was Hawaii, she got pregnant. The year before that, Las Vegas, pregnant. Year before that, Costa Rica, pregnant."
"Wow!" said Dave. "Are you going to take precautions this time?"
"I sure am! For one thing, this year I'm taking her with me."
https://redd.it/1wsgzhd
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My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with CB Radios.
I think it's over, over.
https://redd.it/1wsaapb
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A guy is talking to his friend. He says, "I just feel like all the passion has gone out of my marriage."
"Well, you've gotta be spontaneous. When you feel that spark of passion between you and her, you've just gotta seize the moment. Don't wait until later. Seize the moment."
Later, he says, "Oh, you were so right! We were having dinner, we just felt that spark of passion, and the next thing you know, there we were, making love right next to the dinner table!"
"Great!"
"Yeah, but you know, they're never gonna let us back into the Pizza Hut."
https://redd.it/1wrupjg
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Stole this from r/longjokes
​
A man crawls across the desert, already barely clinging to life, but desperate to survive, and as the sun beats down, he makes it to the top of a dune, and sees in a sort of valley down below what looks like three tents close together. Finally, he thinks; civilization! Those people are bound to have water, I'm saved!
So he makes it to the closest tent and sees it's a market stall with a table full of sponge cakes. He asks the proprietor for water, but he responds "I am sorry, my friend, but I have no water; all I have are these sponge cakes!", and he shrugs, powerless to help. So the man gives up and makes it the few yards to the next tent.
He finds this is another stall, this time selling bowls of red jello. Again, he asks the proprietor for water, but again, the proprietor replies that he has no water.
The man, now desperate and frustrated, crawls to the third tent. It's another stall, with a table full of bowls of custard. Desperate and fearing for his life, hoping against hope, he asks for water. The proprietor, looking concerned for his fellow man, says "I am sorry, my brother, please believe me, I would help you if I could, but I do not have water; none of us have!"
The man can't believe it. "Are you f***ing kidding me??", he screams, "You three idiots sonehow came all the way out here and set up your stalls, with only sponge cakes, jello and custard, and not f***ing one of you thought maybe you should bring some water with you??!?"
And the proprietor says, "I know, it's a trifle bazaar, isn't it?"
https://redd.it/1wrx8mw
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The horse whisperer
A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell the cowboy that they're going to execute him at noon the next day and ask him if he has any last requests. The cowboy simply requests to talk to his horse. So the bandits escort the cowboy to the horse. The cowboy takes the horse by the ear, leans in close, and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse rears up, lets out a grand whinny, and gallops away. The bandits shrug and take the cowboy back inside as night begins to fall.
The next morning, the bandits and the cowboy wake up to find that the horse has returned with a beautiful maiden astride it. The bandits marvel at this incredible feat, and begin to wonder if the cowboy possesses the ability to communicate with horses. The bandits say, "Mister, that's a real cool hoss you got there. Now, since you're such a cool guy, we're gonna let you live one more night." The bandits go to bed, and let the cowboy sleep with the beautiful maiden.
The next morning, the bandits insist that they really do have to kill him at noon, and they ask him if he has any other last requests. Once more, the cowboy requests to talk to his horse. So they escort the cowboy to his horse, he whispers something in its ear, and it gallops away. The bandits shrug again, take the cowboy back inside, and eat breakfast. Around noon, as the bandits are leading the cowboy outside to be executed, they find that the horse has once again returned. A woman even more beautiful than the last sits atop. Once again, the bandits marvel at man and horse. They tell him that if he can get the horse to bring each of them a woman, they'll let him live one more day. He accepts the offer. So the bandits go to their beds and the cowboy goes to bed with the two women.
The bandits wake up the cowboy in the morning and tell him that this time, they really ARE going to kill him at noon, regardless of the quantity and/or quality of babes the horse brings back. So they ask him if he has any last requests. The cowboy requests to talk to his horse one last time. So the bandits escort him to his horse. One last time, the cowboy takes his horse by the ear, leans in real close, and screams "A POSSE, YOU IDIOT! I SAID TO BRING ME A POSSE!"
https://redd.it/1wrkrql
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Original Joke!
Once this physically impaired person was talking to me.
You know, casual chat, we were cracking some jokes and all. And at one point he told me this:
A man with a prosthetic leg was struggling to clear security at the airport, and the line behind him was getting restless.He turned around, sighed, and said, "Look, I'm doing my best, but please bear with me—I'm on my last leg here!"
And I laughed hard at that. Then he claimed I was being mean to that said person. Ik crazy right? He himself just told me that joke. And so i said "Well you are just as mean for telling me that joke". Then he showed me that his left arm was missing. And said "I have the right to speak"
To which I replied "Yeah, but nothing left to say"
https://redd.it/1wrbxi1
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Little old lady from Pasadena
A thin, frail old lady with white hair comes out of her house with a walker. She's shaking as she walks. She gets to the bus stop, and stands there shaking. The bus arrives and she manages to heave her heavy walker up and gets on the bus. She pays the driver and gets a seat close to the front.
The bus arrives in the town centre and with another heave she manages to get the walker off the bus and starts shakily walking down the street.
After a while she sees a porn store. She stops, stands there shaking for a while, then heads into the porn store.
The guy who owns the store comes out when alerted by the doorbell. Seeing the frail woman, he thinks to himself, "What is this? A christian protest action?"
The frail old lady, still shaking, walks to the counter and says in a sweet voice, "Good morning young man. I'd like to buy a vibrator."
The store owner thinks to himself, "I shouldn't be surprised, she probably has needs at her age too." So he takes out a small green one and demonstrates how it works.
"No, young man, a larger one," the frail little lady says sweetly.
"Well," the store owner thinks, "I guess at that age you are... experienced." So he takes out the larger orange one and shows it to the lady.
"No, no. Much larger!" she says.
By this time he's getting a bit annoyed and decides to bring out the heavy artillery. He slams down the Big Black Bastard, a two-foot long gargantuan that only the most accommodating could manage.
"Yes! Yes!", the sweet old lady exclaims. "That's the one! HOW DO YOU TURN IT OFF?!"
https://redd.it/1wrafte
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Grew up in a midwestern town founded by Germans, and all of us middle school boys loved this joke.
A salesman goes to a conference and meets a man that might be a good customer. Unfortunately, he loses the man’s contact information, but does remember the man’s last name and the company he worked for.
So, the man calls the company’s general information number and eventually gets through to an old administrative assistant.
The administrative assistant says, “how can I help you”?
The man, with excitement in his voice resulting from finally reaching a live person, says, “Oh my God, do you have a Sexauer at your company?”
The old administrative assistant pauses for a second, and then says, “Sex HOUR?!” “We hardly even get a 10 minute coffee break”!
https://redd.it/1wqzkyb
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A guy and his wife are walking through a cemetery and see a headstone that reads: "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man.
The guy says, "How about that! They put three people in one grave!"
https://redd.it/1wqssn4
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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister
are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your genitals?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."
https://redd.it/1wtpnvb
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Once upon a time there was a loud-mouthed hyena. He would walk around the savanna mocking all the other animals, even the King himself, the Lion.
One day the lion's wife asked, "Why do you let that stupid hyena taunt you like that? You are the king. Do something about him."
But the lion simply said, "It's not worth it. He isn't hurting anyone. It's just a lot of hot air."
However the Lioness felt like she needed to teach that hyena a lesson so she began to chase him. The chase went on for miles and eventually the hyena led her to a fallen, hollow tree trunk and went through it. The Lioness tried to follow but got stuck. The hyena then got behind her and started screwing her.
Once the hyena left she managed to back out of the trunk, and she slunk back home.
The lion took one look at his wife and said, "He took you to that hollow tree, didn't he?"
https://redd.it/1wtlgr3
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I've never been any good at taking ownership for my actions and choices
Can't believe my parents raised me this way
https://redd.it/1wt4d51
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Why do flamingoes sleep with one leg up?
Because they would fall onto the ground if they put both legs up
https://redd.it/1wt3s1v
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Henry Winkler was flying from New York to LA
Henry Winkler was flying from New York to LA when an airplane stewardess approached him. She asked "Would you like some headphones? "Henry smiled and replied, "Of course My Dear, by the way, it's pronounced Fonz."
https://redd.it/1wsv57x
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A yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at ten o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took you so long? You're more than two hours late."
"Hey, give me a break!" whined the yuppie. "I'm a 27 handicap."
https://redd.it/1wsn3yc
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To whoever hacked my Reddit account
I will find you.
Edit: No you won't.
https://redd.it/1wscm1c
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A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory
On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home, it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'd help me do my new job better."
"Oh....Oh!" The penguin says, "I get it. I think there must be a misunderstanding. You brought it to 'make' the ice, but it's your job to 'BREAK' the ice."
"Oh." Said the Polar Bear. Then, after a small pause, he says, "So, why did the polar bear carry a freezer into the ice factory?"
(I made this joke up back in 2019 when I was about to go into a job interview.)
https://redd.it/1wrp3cu
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A guy tells his buddy, "I got my wife a dog for her birthday."
His buddy asks, "What breed?"
The guy says, "It's a pug. And, despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her."
https://redd.it/1wrosew
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The secret of success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a golden ladder going into the clouds. Intrigued, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was a relatively fit lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim and attractive, she was simply stunning.
"Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Being a gambling man, and overwhelmed by his luck, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there sat a 400 pound buddha of a man. He was profoundly ugly, emitting an unbearable stench, and flies buzzed around his nether regions.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
https://redd.it/1wrl9l9
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My skin turned battleship grey when I hit 40. It's a rare genetic disorder.
My dad was a carrier.
https://redd.it/1wrj69s
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a parrot flies into a bar
he gets up to the counter holding a 20 dollar bill in his beak and says "one beer"
the bartender is amazed but he pours him a beer anyway
the bartender takes the money and he figures that a parrot doesn't understand the concept of giving back change so he keeps the full 20 dollars
the parrot starts drinking, the bartender says: "you know, we don't get any parrots here"
the parrot says: "yeah, for 20 dollars a beer, no wonder why"
https://redd.it/1wqwsc3
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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?
A cock a dude'll do.
.
(I posted this joke 7 years ago; figured I'd do it again now, since lots of new people have joined since then.)
https://redd.it/1wqyqw0
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One day in the junk shop
Back in the days of my youth when I used to help the owner out, I was pleasantly surprised to see a lovely young woman come in, look around a bit and then come up to the counter. "Please," she said, in a voice that sounded kind of Russian, "I am looking for one night stand."
Well, when I was young and bold I used to know what to do, and as there was no-one else in the shop I shut up early and we got along to a bar I knew where they used to have a talent night, and over cocktails we watched a young magician doing his stuff, and as I recollect down the years, he was pretty good. Then later we went along to about the fanciest restaurant I could afford, I saw her back to her front door after dinner, leaned in for a kiss and was delighted to be invited in for coffee.
Like I say, back then I used to know what to do (I still do, but the flesh is weaker now than then), and I'll draw the curtain of discretion over the next eight hours or so, until the sun crept over the windowsill and I turned to her and said, "Well, how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she said with a sigh, "but I still have nowhere to put alarm clock."
https://redd.it/1wqw90x
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
https://redd.it/1wqqus9
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