1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Why should you be afraid of the tip of a penis?
It grew up in the hood.
https://redd.it/1bo0j3w
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Deer hunter special
Some guy is in a bar and sees some attractive looking woman sitting there. Maybe 50 but with a killer body.
He buys her a drink. She asks him if he wants a deer hunter special.
He asks what that is. She says that her husband is away deer hunting for days. The deer hunter special is something she does during deer hunting season. It is daughter and mother sex with a stranger.
He says great and follows her to her home in his car. They walk into her house.
She yells up the stairs. "He ma, you still up?"
​
https://redd.it/1bntn55
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Cop: Are you on.....
Cop: Are you on drugs ?
Guy: Why would I sit on drugs ?
Cop: Have you taken any ?
Guy: Taken them where ?
Cop: I meant used drugs.
Guy: I prefer new.
https://redd.it/1bna6ny
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When I asked my pregnant wife what she wanted for dinner, she replied...
“No thanks, I gestate.”
https://redd.it/1bnab4t
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I have a plan: to hybridize cauliflower plants and dogwood trees. I’ll plant them along the edges of my property.
They’ll be my border caulis.
https://redd.it/1bn1fg7
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Reagan’s joke.
Two men, an American and a Russian were arguing. One said,
“in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!"
"I can do that too!"
"Really?"
"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, Mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"
https://redd.it/1bmsy1k
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What do you call a black.man in a spacesuit?
An astronaut, you fucking racist.
https://redd.it/1bmij1l
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What’s the best part about dating a communist?
You don’t have to worry about giving off red flags cause red flags are all she’s looking for
https://redd.it/1bmcudf
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.
https://redd.it/1bm4jcx
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I asked my wife if she wanted to have a threesome.
She responded “that depends. Who are the other two people?”
https://redd.it/1bm353f
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What's a guy with a large penis called?
I knew you wouldn't know.
https://redd.it/1blstjz
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A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
https://redd.it/1bllipc
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Doctor Who has been filmed all over Britain
but there is one place that the makers of the show have been adamant that they will never film in. By the sea, there is a lovely city called Brighton, which has two rather prominent piers. And it's these piers that are the reason the show makers refuse to bring The Doctor there, because as everyone knows, there is nothing a time traveler hates more than a pair o' docks.
https://redd.it/1bleehj
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Cop pulled me over..
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
https://redd.it/1bl6o3z
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What’s the worst part of being a cameraman for a porn?
You only get paid in exposure
https://redd.it/1bl01gr
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"
https://redd.it/1bo0eu2
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My wife and I are both tightrope walkers
We met online
https://redd.it/1bnmwrg
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Obscure history/biology joke I couldn't get out of my head, so I had to post it somewhere:
"I've invited you all to this press conference to tell you that my experiments in Parthian-genesis have proven highly successful."
"Professor, you mean parthenogenesis, right? Like in asexual reproduction?"
"No, I didn't mean that at all. Why would you think that?"
"But..."
"Anyway, I also invited you to warn that Rome has better improve its defences pretty darn soon."
https://redd.it/1bnbbqg
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Im half Batman and half Spiderman
No money and no powers
https://redd.it/1bmxk59
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I told my 94 year old mother a joke last night and I think it was TOO funny...
She was laughing really hard at my joke, then she suddenly said, "Uh oh..." and immediately jumped up and hobbled off to the bathroom. Oops.
Here's the joke (one of my all-time favorites):
A young woman was waiting at a bus stop. After a few minutes the bus arrived and the woman tried to step onboard. Unfortunately, her skirt was extremely tight and she couldn't get her leg up high enough for the step.
She quickly reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, but she STILL couldn't step up. She unzipped her skirt a little more. Still no luck. So she tried a THIRD time. Nope.
Suddenly, she felt a strong pair of hands grab her by the waist and lift her onto the step. Well, she was having NONE of that.
She turned around and saw a tall cowboy standing behind her. She got in his face and yelled, "How dare you! I didn't give you permission to touch me like that! I don't even KNOW you!"
The embarrassed cowboy looked down at his boots and said, "I'm sure sorry, mam. I just assumed we was friends after the third time you reached back and unzipped my fly."
​
https://redd.it/1bmqyr0
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I invited all the women I’ve had sex with to a dinner party
She didn’t show up
https://redd.it/1bmq1au
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I just had a near sex experience.
It’s true. My wife flashed before my eyes.
https://redd.it/1bmiyjc
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I went to a psychic, and she told me that I would be totally heartbroken in 14 years.
I felt so bad about this, I went and got a puppy.
https://redd.it/1bmcqar
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How do you say "S'up Dawg" in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
https://redd.it/1blwjn6
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Lawyer Joe
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
https://redd.it/1blu1of
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A man receives a phone call from the local post office...
"Sir, we really must complain" the caller said, "your dog keeps attacking our postman on a bike".
The main angrily replied "well it can't be *my* dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike" and hung up.
https://redd.it/1bljn7c
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Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
https://redd.it/1bllgmf
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What's a guy with a small penis called?
Justin
https://redd.it/1bl4ykc
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Hitchhiker is searching for a sleeping place
A hitchhiker is searching for a sleeping place for the night as he came by a large farm.
He went over to the house and knocks on the door as the owner opens.
- Do you have a place free for me to sleep tonight? I'm fine with your barn. I have a sleeping bag. I don't need more.
- Sure I have. But I warn you only once: keep away from my wife and my daughter, or I'll shoot you without a warning.
- OK, that's fine.
- Oh and you can do me a favor: My old shoes are pretty dirty. I have to clean them. They are at the door of the barn. Would you just bring them to me?
- Yeah sure.
So the Hitchiker went over to the barn. Right as he stands at the door he sees the very hot Wife and early twenties' daughter.
He walks over to them and says:
- Your husband and father send me over to fuck you both very hard!
Both very upset: You damn liar, he would never ever say this! Just wait we go and ask him.
The Hitchhiker replied: Wait, I'll do it.
He turns around right outside the door and loudly shouts: Both of them?
The owner replies: Of course both you Idiot!
https://redd.it/1bl448e
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Is it okay I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school or does that make me...
...a bad teacher?
https://redd.it/1bkvr1z
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