1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A boy comes home for dinner looking exhausted and disheveled...
His mother sees his state and asks him, "What on earth have you been up to all day?" The boy turns to his mother and proudly says, "Well Mom, I've been out fucking and fighting all day." His mother is shocked by his words and angrily responds, "How dare you speak like that? You go to your room, this minute and no supper for you! Just wait till your father gets home and I tell him what you said!" The boy just skulks up to his room, head bowed in shame.
A little while later, the father comes home and calls out, "Hi honey I'm home!" Immediately, the mother approaches him and tells him, "Do you know what your son said to me? When I asked him how his day was, he told me he was out fucking and fighting all day." Taken aback, the father replies, "He said what?" Again, the mother repeats, "He told me he was fucking and fighting all day, in those words".
Furiously, the man throws down his bag and jacket and storms into the kitchen. He rifles through the cupboards, pulling out a large iron skillet. The wife looks at him frightened and asks, "Please dear, what do you plan on doing with that?"
The father turns to her and, with a smile says, "I'm going to fry him up a steak. The poor boy can't be out fucking and fighting all day on an empty stomach now can he?"
https://redd.it/1bkqjtr
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Funeral request
A man dies of heart failure and his wife of 40+ years goes to the funeral home to make arrangements for his burial.
After the funeral director had gone through the usual questions he asked the widow if she had any special requests pertaining to the burial.
She replied, "I want him buried with his bare ass sticking above the ground."
The funeral director is taken aback as he had never had such a request before and he asked the widow why she wanted such a thing.
Her reply, "I don't drive so I need a place to park my bicycle when I go to visit him."
https://redd.it/1bkeqfm
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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked".
The second says "That's nothing.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a penis".
https://redd.it/1bkhs05
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I was on a plane with my dad when the pilot announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet up in the air.”
Dad: I think he’s lying. There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this flight.
https://redd.it/1bk8bcn
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What do you call a threesome, but it's you and the two people in the porn video?
A lonesome.
https://redd.it/1bk1hud
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Hookers don't fart...
They let out little prosti-toots
https://redd.it/1bjsdhn
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I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well. Hindsight is 1.
https://redd.it/1bjp5co
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A Smart Watch
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it..”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?”
The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
https://redd.it/1bj249m
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The president of a fledgling East Asian democracy visits a grade school...
The principal meets him at the gate and begs, "Sir, the summers are so hot my students are falling over in class, please we need something to give the children air."
The president looked mildly concerned and said to his aide, "Implement a new policy or something, make the parents pay more tuition and get ceiling fans installed in schools."
The next stop on his itinerary is a state prison. The warden is at the door. "Sir, the summers are so hot the prisoners are having heatstrokes even in their cells, we need to do something."
The president was aghast. "Aide, take money out of the treasury and have air conditioning installed in every cell, in fact build them a pool so they can have nice swims during their exercise hours, come on people these are our fellow human beings!"
Later back in the presidential palace, the aide found the courage to speak his mind. "Sir, I couldn't help but notice you seemed much more concerned about the condition of the prison than the grade school."
The president said, "After my term is over, where do you think I'm more likely to end up?"
Disclaimer: I'm from the Asian country where this joke is based on a true story. I've decided not to say which country but bonus point if anyone's from around here and has heard this joke before.
https://redd.it/1bj38w4
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Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of their dogs
https://redd.it/1biyuhg
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How I dealt with a laplander
I usually think of the perfect thing to say... 3 days after it should have been said. But once, I came up with a good one.
I was with my wife at a family get together of her extended family. About 20 of us were in a large room sitting around talking when a 17 year old girl, my wife's 2nd cousin, came in and started flirting with me. Long story short, she came and sat down in my lap "because there are no chairs left". I looked at her and said "I hope you can find a shovel". She said "Why?" to which I replied "So you can dig a hole big enough to bury me if my wife comes in and sees you sitting in my lap."
True story, happened 33 years ago. Not strictly speaking a joke, but I think most will see the humor.
https://redd.it/1bimwj9
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When my Tinder date arrived in the restaurant, I guided her to her seat, and asked, “Shall I push your stool in?”…
She said, “Let’s first see how this date goes.”
https://redd.it/1bii6u6
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What do you call a group of pigs playing classical music?
A Porkhestra
https://redd.it/1bi4yyc
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An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian were sitting together on a train. Wanting to impress the others, the American pulls out a gun and throws it out the window.
“What are you doing!?” The others exclaimed.
“Aw, “ says the American, “we’ve got so many guns in America that I didn’t really need that one.”
The Russian thinks on this and then pulls a bottle of expensive Russian vodka from his pocket and throws it out the window.
“What are you doing!?” The others exclaimed.
“Is nothing,” explained the Russian, “we have so many bottles of expensive vodka in Russia that I didn’t really need that one.
The Ukrainian thinks on this and then throws the Russian out the window.
https://redd.it/1bi7m9q
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I asked Black Beard if he wanted to play hang man.
He said, "Arrr." I said "Hang on mate, we haven't started yet!"
https://redd.it/1bhqiec
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Playful CEO
A CEO of a multinational corporation was flying across the Pacific and decided he had to go to the bathroom. So he got up and started walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door it malfunctioned, opened and he was sucked out.
Miraculously he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued. However, fifteen years passed and no one came to his rescue. Fortunately there was a spring on the island and he survived on coconuts and fish.
Finally one day, as he was drawing sand pictures at the beach, he sees a woman in a trim-fitting scuba outfit emerge from the ocean.
She is beautiful!
She says, "Are you Fred Jacobson?" He says, "Why yes I am."
"Congratulations, I am from Rescue Inc., and we have been attempting to find you since you were lost. Now tell me, how long has it been since you've had a smoke?"
"Well, of course it's been about 15 years."
So she reaches down the front of her wet-suit on the left side and pulls out a package of Players cigarettes. "How in the world did you know that my favorite brand was Players?"
"We have researched all of your preferences very carefully Fred, we want to do a good job."
So as Fred is taking a deep, satisfying drag on his cigarette, the rescuer says, "And how long has it been since you've had a drink?"
"Well, that's fifteen years too." And so she reaches down inside the wetsuit on the other side and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels.
"How did you know that Jack Daniels was my favorite drink?"
"Well, Fred, as I said we have looked into all of those things too, do you mind if I have a drink too?"
"No, of course not." And they both put a couple away.
Then, as she starts to peel off the wet suit she says, "And tell me Fred, how long has it been since you've played around?"
"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"
https://redd.it/1bkrnil
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I am bisexual
I have sex twice a year
https://redd.it/1bklr8p
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
https://redd.it/1bkbklm
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What are Females without males?
Iron
https://redd.it/1bjrmeb
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A man’s organs are having a meeting to decide how to survive the current crisis.
The Brain takes the chair.
(Brain) - Ok! Times are hard. We need to work together and help our human to survive this crisis. I will open the floor for discussion.
(Penis gets up) – I have an idea! Let's get rid of one of the kidneys. We don’t need two. They are just consuming resources.
(Brain) – I think it’s a good idea! Let’s get rid of one of the kidneys!
(All other organs yelling) – No. that’s a bad Idea! We need kidneys. Times are hard! We need them more than ever to filter the blood.
(Brain) -I am sorry. You are right. That was a bad idea. Any other ideas?
(Penis gets up) -Let's get rid of one of the lungs! We got two of them! We don’t need two of them. They are just consuming resources.
(Brain) – I think it’s a good idea! Let’s get rid of one of the lungs!
(all other organs) – No it’s a bad idea! Times are hard! We need to work more and harder. We need both lungs to provide oxygen to all organs! We need them more than ever.
(Brain) – I am sorry, you are right. That’s a bad idea. Any other ideas?
(Penis gets up!) – I have an idea!
(Brain yells) – Penis! Sit down and don’t get up! When you are up I can’t think!
https://redd.it/1bjmldr
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Infidelity
Rex came home after a hard day at work. He went into the kitchen and realized that it had been freshly painted. He was surprised. He asked his wife if she had painted the kitchen.
Karen sat on the couch while eating Cheetos and bon-bons. "No," she replied. "I've been asking you to do the kitchen for weeks. I was complaining to the neighbor about it and he said that if I would have sex with him he would paint it today."
Rex immediately ran upstairs into the bedroom. Karen could hear the closet door open. She knew he kept the gun there. She giggled with glee about the trouble she was about to cause.
Rex stormed down the stairs and he threw black, lacy lingerie on her lap. He said, "If you see him tomorrow put this on. I need shelves put up in the garage!"
https://redd.it/1bjqocs
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An older gentleman and his wife are having problems with their sex life
Norm and Flo take a trip to the doctor's and old Norm explains that they still enjoy an active sex life but in the past 5 years Flo has never reached an orgasm.
The doctor, who incidentally is a very handsome and fit young man, is curious. Being a bit of a maverick the young Doc thinks he knows what the issue is but asks if they would mind stripping off and getting down to it right there in his surgery.
"I suspect the issue is related to your wife overheating during intercourse" explains the young Doctor, who starts to waft a towel beside the couple who are now humping away on the examination table.
After a few minutes, nothing is happening and ol Norm, getting increasingly agitated, keeps glancing up at the doctor, who continues to fan them with the towel.
Eventually Norm, clearly a bit frustrated, suggests that he swaps places with the Doc.
The doc agrees and hands the towel to Norm before jumping up on old Flo. Norm starts fanning the couple and the Doc gets down to business with Flo.
Within minutes Flo is screaming in passion as she climaxes for the first time in years.
"Yeeeehaaa, Doc"' exclaims Norm triumphantly punching the air "now that's how you waft a towel!!"
https://redd.it/1bjk0j0
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I just don't get hookup culture
On nights out, when I tell them I've got a dick like a horse, there's no end of people willing to come home with me.
They're all eager and flirty in the taxi.
But when we get home it's all: screaming, running and shouting *"why has it got legs‽"*
https://redd.it/1bj8weu
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Mom, who is my daddy?
“Son, I guess you are old enough to know. You know our town is strict about no pre-marital sex. Several town men used to… um… relieve their stress into the local well. One dark night, I was heading back to our house, and I fell in the well. After some fuss, our family got me out, and 9 months later, you were born. “
“Um… mom, I still don’t quite understand where I came from, but thanks for telling me.”
“Son, you’re well cum.”
https://redd.it/1bj5gbr
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I got sent on a blind date with a beautiful girl
My friend thought I was lonely so he set me up on a blind date with a beautiful girl from his work. She had long dark hair. Amazing boobs that really complemented her hourglass waist and a peach of a booty.
The date went amazing, we shared lots of different interests and got on really well. She told me early on that she found me attractive.
After many drinks we agreed to continue the conversation at my place so I ordered a taxi and off we went. Few more glasses of wine a things moved to the bedroom.
We were kissing on the bed and my hands moved from her waist to her boobie area. She grabbed my hand and suddenly looked nervous. "I have a confession to make" she said. "I actually only have really small boobs. I put socks in my bra to make them look bigger"
I told her it wasn't a problem but I also had a confession to make. "I'm sorry but I also must confess I have the penis of a baby" I told her. My voice full of shame.
She put her hand on my mine and told me it was ok. We started kissing again then I slowly removed her dress. I took off her bra and out popped the socks.
She then pulled down my pants.
Her eyes when wide with shocked, the air left her body and she started to tremble.
"Yo yo you ttttold me you ha ha hadd the penis of a baby" she said shaking.
"I do" I replied grabbing the monster. "8 pound 4 ounces"
https://redd.it/1bj0sy3
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At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No Time.”
https://redd.it/1binrvc
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Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer.
Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer. “How big is your land” asked Putin. Farmer responded proudly “From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land.” “Same square distance all around.” Farmer then asked Putin “How big is your land?” Putin responded he could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his land. Farmer replied “I once had a car like that.”
https://redd.it/1bidzcm
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Hillbilly Honeymoon
Up in the hill country, Jethro and Daisy Mae get hitched and go off to Niagara Falls for a week-long honeymoon. But just two days latter, Jethro comes through the door of his father's house in a lather.
His Pappy asks him, "Boy, why you home so early? You got another 5 days on your honeymoon?"
Jethro: "I'm mad as hell, I can't be married to her any longer. I need a divorce."
Pappy: "A divorce??? Why???"
Jethro: "She's a virgin!!!"
Pappy: "What, boy??? What's the matter with that???"
Jethro: "Hell, Pappy... if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!!!"
https://redd.it/1bi2mcj
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What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
https://redd.it/1bi2lb7
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Bath Night
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!
https://redd.it/1bhsazo
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