1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Breaking Bad was an amazing show in almost every way, but it was terrible with product placement.
If anything, it made me NOT want to do crystal meth.
https://redd.it/1amxwcg
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[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
https://redd.it/1ampp2n
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A KGB spy and a CIA agent meet up in a bar for a friendly drink
"I have to admit, I'm always so impressed by Soviet propaganda. You really know how to get people worked up," the CIA agent says.
"Thank you," the KGB says. "We do our best but truly, it's nothing compared to American propaganda. Your people believe everything your state media tells them."
The CIA agent drops his drink in shock and disgust. "Thank you friend, but you must be confused... There's no propaganda in America."
https://redd.it/1amc4vw
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A small town in the southern US holds a team distance cumming contest every year.
Three teams of men try to cum the farthest to take home first place. The entire town comes out to watch the spectacle and cheer them on.
The first team walks out to 200 yards! They form a line shoulder to shoulder and start to get “warmed up”. Then, their coach walks down the line like a general inspecting his troops and goes up the the first man and slaps him as they all yell and get pumped up. He repeats this with every man until he reaches the end and then yells, “3-2-1 RELEASE!” - The entire town agrees, They made it! Everyone of them made it 200 yards.
The second team walks out to 500 yards! They also form a line shoulder to shoulder and start to get “warmed up”. Then, their coach walks down the line like a general inspecting his troops and goes up the the first man and headbutts him as they all yell and get pumped up. He repeats this with every man until he reaches the end and then yells, “3-2-1 RELEASE!” - The entire town agrees, They made it! Everyone of them made it 500 yards!
The third team walks out to a staggering 5,280 feet, the farthest ever attempted! They also form a line shoulder to shoulder and start to get “warmed up”. Then, their coach walks down the line like a general inspecting his troops and goes up the the first man and punches him square in the nuts as they all yell and get pumped up. He repeats this with every man until he reaches the end and then yells, “3-2-1 RELEASE!” - The entire town agrees, you should have seen this punchline coming a mile away.
https://redd.it/1amat4o
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My wife left me for another man.
All that's left now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be down the pub with my mates every night!
https://redd.it/1am1tyh
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I was at the airport waiting for my bags when I saw a man collapse and fall on the luggage carousel.
I was worried, but he…came around slowly,
https://redd.it/1alpasy
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A priest is told by the bishop he is being moved to a new parish
The priest tells the congregation the news and after the service a woman comes up to him crying: "This is terrible news father, just terrible. You can't leave us. Refuse the move, tell the bishop to find someone else for the other church."
The priest puts his arm on the woman's shoulder and says "I realize this is difficult news for you Mrs. Johnson, but who knows? Maybe the next priest for this parish will be even better than me."
"Oh sure," Mrs. Johnson says in hysterics. "That's what they told us the last time."
https://redd.it/1alml6o
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God and the Atheist
A friend just told me this and I got a good laugh. Hope you do too.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. Running as fast as he could up the path, he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Every time he looked, the bear was closer.
He tripped, fell to the ground, and rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and replied: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The brilliant light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."
https://redd.it/1alie5b
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A classic rock riddle
John, Keith, Pete, and Roger sat in a room and were asked to name the people that came in.
Five people were brought in. One was named Miles. Another Miles, and two more also were called Miles.
But one was named Myles.
One of the four of those quizzed said "I can see five Miles."
A second one said "I can see five Miles."
The third of them also answered "I can see five Miles."
But only the fourth one got it correct. The fourth one said "I can see four Miles, and Myles!"
Who?
https://redd.it/1al6v5s
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A man was sick of his wife wanting to roleplay as police in the bedroom, he says he wants to split up.
She says, "Good idea! you go in from the back!"
https://redd.it/1al0yly
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Why don’t lesbians shave for their weddings?
Cause it’s groomless
https://redd.it/1akpxgj
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I met a lovely lady in the bar last night.
Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance, So we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.
And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake?"
https://redd.it/1aknms1
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A new chief is elected in the Native American reserve of Nyuktuk
One of the residents goes to the new chief and says "winter is coming and we have to determine if we have enough wood on hand or if we need to gather more. Is it going to be a cold winter?"
This question catches the chief off guard. He was never taught how to look at the animals or the trees or sky to determine the forecast but he also doesn't want to look foolish so he replies "I think it will be cold. Go gather some more wood."
When they leave, he goes to his room and calls his local weather office and asks "is it going to be cold in Nyuktuk this winter?" The forecaster comes back after a few minutes and says "yes it appears it will be a cold winter."
So when the reserve residents return he tells them to gather more wood since it will be colder than he thought. So they all leave to get more wood.
The chief is still uncertain so he calls the weather office again and says "are you sure it's going to be cold in Nyuktuk this winter?" After a pause the forecaster says "it is definitely going to be a cold winter this year."
So when the residents return he says to them. "It's going to be brutally cold this winter so gather up all the wood you can find."
They head out once more but the chief is still wondering if he made a mistake so he calls the weather office again. "Are you sure it will be cold in Nyuktuk this winter?" The forecaster says "not only will it be cold, but it is going to be one of the coldest winters in Nyuktuk in recent memory." The chief says "how do you know that?" The forecaster answers "because the natives are gathering up wood like crazy!"
https://redd.it/1akcvqs
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One day a guy decided to go to a museum of natural history.
He was enjoying himself and was particularly amazed by the large dinosaur skeletons reconstructed from their fossil remains.
He was looking at one and saw a museum worker standing by. He asked him how old was this particular dinosaur.
The guy looked at it and said, "Oh, this one. It is 64 million years and five months."
"64 million years and five months!" the guy exclaims. "How can you know that precisely?"
"Well, he said, "It was 64 million years old when I started working here and that was five months ago."
https://redd.it/1ajyv24
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Am I Adopted?
Alfie: Mummy, am I adopted?
Mum: Heavens, no. Why would you ask such a thing?
Alfie: we all did a DNA test in school today, & mine is different from yours AND daddy's.
Mum: DARRYL! come here. What's all this about? (and she explains to hubby).
Dad: Of course he's not ours! Do you remember that 2nd night in the hospital & the baby hadn't stopped crying for 2 days? You told me you were exhausted & asked me if I could change the baby.
SO I DID! Alfie is SO MUCH better behaved.
https://redd.it/1ajwwsf
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman saw this and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence!" the farmer said, "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses, he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" she said.
"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your hens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock!" he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked her glass against the farmer's and said, "what a coincidence!"
https://redd.it/1amtua5
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Phrases that most men struggle to say out loud
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
My mother-in-law is moving in with us.
https://redd.it/1amgtx9
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A man runs into a proctologist office...
... shouting "Help me! Help me! I think I'm a moth!"
The doctor said "I'm a proctologist. You should see the psychiatrist."
The man says "Yes I know."
The proctologist asks "Then why did you come into this office?"
The man says "The light was on."
https://redd.it/1ame7ua
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office
and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again…”
– Shamelessly stolen from Alan Lynch, Ithaca, New York via Readers' Digest
https://redd.it/1am5ch9
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A cheapskate dies and his will asks he be buried at sea
Per his wishes his wife has him cremated and goes to the waterfront with an urn full of his ashes to release them into the Atlantic.
"Henry," she says, "you know that fancy leather purse I wanted all my life and you said it was too much? Well I sold your company for a fortune and I bought the nicest purse they had at Gucci."
And Henry," she says, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take but you said a trip to the mall is all I'm worth? Well, I have a world cruise booked for 90 days and it will be wonderful!"
"And Henry," she continues, "you know that red Honda Accord I had been hoping for the last 5 years and you laughed and told me that I should glad you gave me a 10 year old Kia to drive? Well I bought a Mercedes convertible instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," she says, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" Well here you go. And with those words she puts the ashes in her hand and blows them out to sea.
https://redd.it/1am3977
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A biased surgeon
A renowned Harvard surgeon was invited to a lesser- known medical school to describe a new technique he'd used to treat hundreds of patients.
At the end of the lecture, a young student at the back of the room timidly asked, "Did you have any controls?"
Well, the great surgeon drew himself up to his full height, hit the desk, and said, "Do you mean did I not operate on half the patients?" The hall grew very quiet then. The voice at the back of the room very hesitantly replied, "Yes, that's what I had in mind." Then the visitor's fist really came down as he thundered, "Of course not. That would have doomed half of them to their death."
It was absolutely silent then, and one could scarcely hear the small voice ask, "Which half?"
https://redd.it/1alv1py
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Difference between a prostitute and a lawyer.
Haven’t seen this version of this joke in here before so I decided to share it as it’s very popular at my university.
What is the difference between prostitute and a lawyer? There are things a prostitute won’t do for any money in the world.
https://redd.it/1al0d02
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Age gap shenanigans
An older man and young woman are both sitting at a bar, separately enjoying their drinks. The man catches the young lass smiling at him, so he moves to the seat next to her snd offers to buy her a drink. She accepts.
They continue to converse for quite a while. The conversation flowing effortlessly. Eventually, the woman tells the man that hee place is close by, and she hss a bottle of wine they can share and keep the conversation going.
Once at her place, the sparks begin to fly. She never thought she'd be so attracted to an older man. But he's handsome, funny, and just seems like a good guy. And the gentleman can't believe such a beautiful young woman is showing such interest in him. His confidence is through the roof.
Things take another turn as the pair take the party to her bedroom. After the intimate deed is done, they are laying in bed.
The man props himself up on his elbow and says, "I must apologize. If I knew you were a virgin, I would have taken things slower. A nice dinner. A show. Just a nice time out on the town".
The woman props herself up on her elbow. "I need to apologize too. If I knew you could still get it up, I would've taken my underwear off!"
https://redd.it/1alc9ur
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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think 'Baby it's cold outside' is really weird and we're going to have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
https://redd.it/1al35s3
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Roy was really fast at sex
Roy was so fast at sex, that when the Olympics added a sex category, his country entered him in the contest. The contenders had to have sex with as many people as they could in 30 minutes. Roy won first place.
At the awards ceremony, Roy took his place at the top of the podium along with the 2nd and 3rd place winners. Then it was announced that all the people the contenders had sex with were married. The crowd gasped, the judges gasped, the contenders gasped. All of them gasped, except Roy, who didn't seem to care at all.
As the judge gave him his award, he said into Roy's ear, "You're medaling in affairs that don't concern you."
https://redd.it/1aku0c1
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What does a Redditor need to get their car registered when moving to a new state?
Basically the Title
https://redd.it/1akgnyq
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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender “This place is only a five-minute walk from my house,
but walk back takes 30 minutes. The difference is staggering”
https://redd.it/1ak7zpx
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A guy from Texas came to Australia to visit his friend.
His Australian friend showed him his fields of rye. The guy just scoffed and said: "We have bigger fields of wheat here in Texas."
Then his friend showed him his herd of cows. Again, guy just scoffed and said: "We have bigger herd of sheep back in Texas."
Then suddenly, a kangaroo hopped out of nowhere. The guy from Texas took a picture of it and asked: "What is that?"
"That is a kangaroo."
"Huh."
"So what, you have bigger grasshoppers back in Texas?"
https://redd.it/1ak6oxb
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A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father, "Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train" His father replies; "Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"
https://redd.it/1ak1bpu
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My wife secretly dressed up in a superhero costume trying to spice things up for us in the bedroom.
I arrived home exhausted after a hard day at work. Shuffling into the bedroom I then collapsed face down on the bed moaning.
Just at that moment I heard the bedroom door suddenly crash open and my wife leaped through with her fists on her hips in a superhero pose. Yalping loudly she boldly exclaims "*SUPERSEX!*"
Hearing this but too tired to move I groaned sleepily through the pillow
"I'll take the soup...."
https://redd.it/1ajy9wk
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