1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Noah's arc had finally run aground...
... and Noah told the animals "Go forth and multiply."
A snake couple told Noah "We can't multiply, we're adders."
Noah got some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.
https://redd.it/1ajsd2j
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Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
https://redd.it/1ajh21z
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My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
Husband;
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
https://redd.it/1ajbqze
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Took my girlfriend to the restaurant last night.
The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 10.
https://redd.it/1aj15zp
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I lost my watch at a party once
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch
https://redd.it/1ais8hu
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I've Fallen!
In a small town out west, an older priest became tired of listening to all the details of his parishioners committing adultery when he was hearing their confessions. So he requested that everyone simply say “I’ve Fallen” during confession. This code word worked great for many years. Eventually the priest retired and was replaced with a new priest. During his first week, the new priest started to get concerned when everyone was complaining about falling down. So the priest went to the town mayor and requested that the sidewalks be fixed so people won’t fall and get hurt. The mayor realizes that the new priest doesn't know about the code word, so the mayor starts laughing. The new priest then says “I don’t know why you’re laughing because your wife fell three times this week”.
https://redd.it/1aipnqk
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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?
Because Ubisoft is in France.
https://redd.it/1aid3de
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Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.
As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.
The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these mobile phones asked the officer?
"Oh, they are not for me. My mate Mick, who is in a band, knew I was going over to America asked me to bring him back Two saxophones.
https://redd.it/1aib4i7
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It is unfathomable that zero, I repeat z-e-r-o percent of kitchen fixtures that apply to college get accepted.
Let that sink in.
https://redd.it/1ahxsn6
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
https://redd.it/1ahy2r0
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An old man goes to a young doctor's clinic
He says: "My penis has turned blue all of a sudden and it stopped working"
The doctor examines the man's blue penis carefully before delivering his devastating diagnosis: "I'm afraid your penis has atrophied and the only way forward is to have it amputated"
The man, shocked and furious says: "I don't think you know what you're doing. I would like to get a second opinon" as he storms out of the doctor's office and on his way to see an older, more seasoned doctor.
He walks into the second doctor's clinic and immediately tells him what the other doctor had said.
The doctor proceeds to examine his blue penis. He then looks at the man and says: "Amputation you say?"
The man nods.
The doctor says: "You were absolutely right, your previous doctor clearly didn't know what he was doing".
The man is relieved: "See I knew it the minute I saw him. He looked like a rookie at best. So what is your diagnosis, doctor?"
The doctor replies matter-of-factedly: "Amputation is absolutely not necessary. Just stand up and wiggle it around for a minute, it will fall off on its own"
https://redd.it/1ahnkvd
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Be careful while parking in the Vegas Strip
My friend parked there and left his Maroon 5 tickets in the passenger seat. And in less than 15 minutes, someone broke into his car and left two more tickets
https://redd.it/1ahdepy
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A horse walked into a unicorn bar…
and felt really left out, because he was the only one without a horn. Their horns were beautiful and he wanted to make friends, so the next week he booked an appointment with a plastic surgeon to get one too.
Next time he went to the bar, now sporting his new horn, he was devastated when many of the unicorns were rolling their eyes at him, looking at him quizzically.
He asked the bartender:
“Why is everyone looking at me like this? I look just like you now!”
The bartender replied:
“Nah, sorry mate, you really don’t. That isn’t a horn, just some silly cone.”
https://redd.it/1ah84jw
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Two turtles that are best friends decide to go camping.
They load up their backpacks with the camping gear along with some sandwiches and beers for the weekend. After hiking for what seems like hours they find a great spot next to a waterfall and start to unpack. The first turtle realizes they forgot a bottle opener and asks the 2nd turtle to hike back to get one.
“No way” says the 2nd turtle to the 1st, “as soon as I leave you’re going to eat all the sandwiches!”
“I promise I won’t touch them!” says the 1st turtle, “please hurry or this has been a waste of a trip!”
So the 2nd turtle leaves through the woods to get the bottle opener. Three days go by and there’s no sign of his buddy so the 1st turtle, weak from starvation, breaks into the cooler of sandwiches and takes a bite.
Suddenly, from out behind a rock jumps the 2nd turtle and shouts: “I fuckin knew it! I’m not going!!”
https://redd.it/1ah489t
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A man goes to the doctor for a blood test.
A few days later he gets a call from his doctor regarding the results. “There’s good news and bad news about your results.”, the doctor says.
“I would like the bad news first.”, says the man.
“All right,”, begins the doctor, “the bad news is we’ve found that you have a rare, currently incurable disease.”
“That’s terrible!”, the man says in shock. “Then what the hell is the good news?”
The doctor simply replies, “You get to have it named after you.”
https://redd.it/1agwzlc
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A secret agent is sent to Ireland to deliver a top secret package
"Go to this small town in Ireland, find our agent named O'Malley and say the following to him: 'the shadows of the moon are getting dark.' He'll reply 'but the sun will guarantee the light.' When he says that, give him the package and head home."
So the agent goes to the small Irish town but only sees a handful of shops and a farm. He walks up to the farmer and says "I'm looking for a man named O'Malley."
The farmer replies "you need to be more specific than that. The bank manager is named O'Malley, the Butcher is O'Malley, the undertaker is O'Malley and for that matter I'm O'Malley too."
Hearing that he says to the farmer in a hushed voice "the shadows of the moon are getting dark."
The farmer replies "oh your looking for O'Malley the spy. He lives in the next community west."
https://redd.it/1ajqtvu
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Guy goes to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.
The shrink gives the guy an inkblot card and asks, "Look at this and tell me what you see."
The guy studies it for a long moment and says, "Not 100% sure, but I *think* that's Card #6-A, Rorschach Series Three."
https://redd.it/1aj3nav
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Assumptions can really bite you in the butt.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.
As I walked into my office, my hot boss, Pam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Pam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Pam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Pam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.
After arriving at her house, Pam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'
And I just sat there ....
on the sofa ....
butt naked.
https://redd.it/1aj0y30
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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:
His wife screams, "You fucking Idiot," my hair and makeup are a mess, the house has not been cleaned , the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married"...
https://redd.it/1aj0eio
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What do you call a girl who cheats on her art assignment?
Tracy
https://redd.it/1aipfgx
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Boss has a new Porsche.
During my lunch break, I noticed my boss stepping out of his brand-new Porsche.
I complimented him on the cool car, and he told me that if I put in more effort, work harder, and achieve all my targets:
He might be able to buy another one.
https://redd.it/1ailuab
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
https://redd.it/1aib0yg
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
https://redd.it/1ai6s5j
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A guy goes to the doctor with a very red penis.
He's naturally worried because he's never had anything like this before.
The doctor after a short examination left the exam room, came back with a bottle and a cotton swab. He proceeded to apply the lotion to the affected area and it cleared up immediately.
The guy very much relieved and amazed asked, "what is that?"
The doctor said, "lipstick remover."
https://redd.it/1ahxfiq
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Two jokes with the same punchline
So this guy is sitting with a dog and the other guy asks him "Does your dog bite?"
He says no and the other guy pets the dog and it bites him.
He says "I thought you said your dog didn't bite."
He says "Not my dog."
​
So this lady is at the doctor and he sees she has badly scraped knees. He asks "What happened to your knees."
She says "Oh. That's from doggy style."
He says "Don't you know any other positions."
She says "Well I do, but..."
https://redd.it/1ahslfw
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I let my girlfriend borrow $100 from me, 3 years later she returned exactly $100
We separated and I lost interest in that relationship.
https://redd.it/1ahb8lx
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A guy gets a call from a friend. "I found a lamp, I think it has a genie inside".
The guy hangs up, and goes to meet with his friend. When he arrives, he sees his friend indeed has a lamp in his one hand, and a very sizeable pig's foot in the other. He doesn't look too happy.
"What's the matter, did the genie scam you?" he asks, half joking. "See for yourself", the friend answers, and he hands him the lamp. He rubs the lamp. And indeed, a genie comes out.
"I will grant you one wish", says the genie. "But only one, so, choose carefully!". He considers his options for a brief moment, and then tells the genie: "I want a billion dollars."
"So be it", says the genie. As he disappears back into the lamp, the sky cracks open, and dolls fall out of the sky. An endless stream of dolls, rapidly covering the ground. The two friends decide to make a run for it before they get buried under the mountain of plastic.
"This is bullshit, I asked for dollars, not dolls!", the guy yells at his friend, while they are still running. "Is this genie deaf or what?"
"No shit, Sherlock!" answers the friend. "You really think I asked for a big HOCK?"
https://redd.it/1ahgbr4
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Woman goes to the Doctors
Woman: "I'm getting too much discharge"
Doctor: "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".
He puts on his latex gloves and inserts 3 fingers into her vagina.
Doctor: "How does that feel?"
Woman: "Fucking lovely"
"But the discharge is from my ear!!!!
https://redd.it/1ah4w74
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Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping...
... and around 3 a.m. Sherlock nudges his totally-hetero partner awake.
"Watson," he says, "look up."
"I see stars," murmurs a sleepy Watson.
"And do the stars tell you?"
Watson considers this. "That we are part of a vast cosmos. That many of those stars could have their own worlds, with their own civilisations, with cultures which we cannot dare to dream. That we are a mere speck in the vastness of creation, and that perhaps we should not be so enamoured with our ravaging of this world."
After a moment of contemplative silence, Watson asks: "Tell me, Sherlock, what do the stars tell you?"
"Watson," says Sherlock with infinite patience, "they tell me that someone has nicked our fucking tent."
​
https://redd.it/1agzciy
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Please be careful when selecting a tattoo parlor!
One of my friends ended up in hospital while studying abroad in Barcelona. First time away from home, pretty sheltered upbringing, so he went a bit overboard. Got real drunk one night and decided to get a tattoo. Fast forward to a few days later and he's in A&E with a horrible burning sensation. Took them hours to figure out it was an infection in the tattoo. Afterall...
No one expects the Spanish ink was itchin'.
https://redd.it/1agjg9p
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