1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man named Edward Gay booked a flight to visit his mother for Christmas.
When he entered the airplane he noticed a man took his seat. Deciding he didn't want to make a scene and that the plane was going to be half empty anyway, he decided to take a random empty seat at the back of the plane.
A few minutes later a flight attendant approached the man that took his seat. "Hello, are you Gay?" asked the flight attendant. "Why yes I am", the man confusedly replied. "I'm sorry", said the flight attendant, "There's been a misunderstanding. You will have to leave this plane."
Edward Gay realized the flight attendant was talking about him. He stood up and said, "No, I'm Gay!". Another passenger immediately stood up and shouted, "That's right! I'm gay too! You can't kick us all out!".
https://redd.it/18rkgr8
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Joker goes to china
The joker has gone to china for his latest bit of fiendish foolery.
this time the plan is simple, cut off their legs, half way up the calf.
His work was swift and cruel
and so, his task complete, he went to a nearby rooftop and waited.
"Joker" shouted batman "What have you done?"
"ah, Ni Hao, batman" Greeted the joker, with an exaggerated bow "i do believe that's how the local chi people say it"
"You've gone too far joker!" shouted the dark knight
"oh come now batman, im sure the good chi people can take a joke. Give the marvelous Chi people some credit."
"Why do you keep calling them that, joker?" asked batman
"Hmm?" replied joker, pretending to be hard of hearing
"Why do you keep Calling them that!" shouted batman, losing his patience
"Well, you see batman." started the joker "these poor people have no nese."
https://redd.it/18qjspy
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A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple.
He smelled it and said, "That's maple."
They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with every piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him.
And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.
"Boy," he said "This is difficult.
Flip that board over and let me smell the other side."
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guys can't fool me!
That's the shit house door from a tuna boat!"
https://redd.it/18qfqcl
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Burnt Toast
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guiness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life **between the legs of me wife**." That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life **sitting in church beside me wife**."
"Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
https://redd.it/18q0rm1
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I wish my husband would treat me like his penis.
I would get oily massages every morning.
He would be taking pretty pictures of me.
I would be the one making all of his decisions.
He would only beat me twice a week.
https://redd.it/18q7aok
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I called my boss and said, “I’ll be late. I’m having computer issues.”
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute is fine. It’s my laptop.
https://redd.it/18pyg0d
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I've got the wife a vibrator for Christmas!
Bet all she does is moan..
https://redd.it/18pruoq
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A Christmas joke I hope you’ll enjoy
This guy Joe goes to pick up his fiancé for a date in a brand new Porsche.
His fiancé is confused because Joe isn’t exactly a wealthy guy.
She says, “Where did you get this Porsche?“
Joe says, “It was in my garage.“
She says, “What was it doing in your garage?“
Joe says, “Well, I guess God put it there.”
She says, “That’s ridiculous!”
Joe says, “Well, yes, it is ridiculous, isn’t it, Mary?”
(Note: I did not make this up; it is a reworked version of a cartoon involving pie which I saw somewhere on Reddit. I previously posted this here 159 days ago, and some people seemed to like it. I hope you like it, too. Merry Christmas!)
https://redd.it/18pn57c
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A blind man and his seeing eye dog approached a very busy intersection
The dog waited patiently till the DON'T WALK light flashed, then he pulled the man from the curb and dragged him across four lanes of speeding cars and buses. When they reached the sidewalk, the man pulled a dog biscuit from his pocket.
A passerby said, Hey, buddy, that dumb mutt almost killed you and you're going to reward him with a treat?"
"No, I just want to determine which end is which so I can kick the fucker's ass."
https://redd.it/18pfyq9
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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.
Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."
"Oh my," the teacher gasps with a horrified look on her face.
"So the chicken takes the BMW, backs it up near the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse, ties it up to the bumper and pulls the horse out. The horse is so very thankful."
"What happened next?" the teacher asks, feeling relieved.
"A couple days later... the chicken falls into the same quicksand and says, 'Hurry up! Hurry up! Go get the farmer!' So the horse thinks to himself, 'Well... I could probably stand over this quicksand.' So, he stands over it and says to the chicken, 'Grab hold of my penis!' So the chicken grabs hold of the horse's penis and gets pulled out."
The teacher is suddenly weirded out by the direction the story is going and asks, "Umm... Johnny? That's nice and all, but what's the moral of the story?"
Without hesitation, Johnny responds with, "The moral of the story is: if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks."
https://redd.it/18pat0b
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A blond is having trouble selling her car…
She tells her friend that it has nearly 300k miles on it and it’s difficult to sell to anyone.
Her friend says he has a cousin she can take it to. He’s a mechanic and can roll back the miles on the car to make it easier to sell.
A month goes by and they run into each other. Her friend asks if she ever took her car to his cousin.
She replies that yes she did and he did a great job rolling back the mileage to around 30k miles.
Her friend asks if she was then able to sell the car.
She replies “No; I would never sell a car with such low mileage. I’m keeping it for myself.”
https://redd.it/18p7czt
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A man in his 50s visits the doctor.
"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"
"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of a nuclear war, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"
Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.
"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."
https://redd.it/18oyysv
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A Christian husband and wife couldn't agree on who should make the morning coffee.
The husband said that his wife should make it because she gets up earlier. The wife disagrees, and adds that Bible says that her husband should make it.
The husband asks her where it says that. The wife opens their Bible and points to the top of the page. It said "HEBREWS."
https://redd.it/18owtu0
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A man is feeling lonely during the Holiday Season, so he buys a pet parrot to keep him company. The man gets the parrot home, sets up a cozy cage, and says, "Hi, buddy birdie. Want a cracker?" The parrot replies:
"Go fuck yourself."
The man, shocked, says: "What did you say?"
The parrot says again, "Go fuck yourself."
At first, the man thinks it's kind of funny. However, as time goes by, he realizes that "Go fuck yourself" is all the parrot ever says to him. Eventually this gets old, and the man loses his patience with the parrot.
"Stop telling me to 'go fuck' myself."
"Go fuck yourself," is all the parrot says.
"I'm warning you. You better stop."
"Go fuck yourself."
"This is your last chance. You better not tell me to 'go fuck' myself again, or you're gonna regret it."
"Go fuck yourself."
Irritated, but with no plan, the man looks around his home to see how he can teach the parrot a lesson. He spots the refrigerator, and thinks that a few seconds alone in the cold dark will teach this ungrateful bird who's boss. So, the man yanks the parrot out of its cage, shoves it in the fridge, waits 15 seconds, takes it out and puts it back in its cage. Satisfied with himself, the man leaves for a bit to allow the parrot to reflect on its punishment.
The man returns later and sees the parrot staring at him from its cage in utter terror.
"Are you okay?" the man asks.
The parrot doesn't respond. It just stares back with intense fear.
"Buddy birdie, no need to be afraid. I just wanted to teach you a lesson. C'mon, talk to me."
The parrot replies, "Because I told you to 'go fuck yourself', you shoved me in a cold, dark refrigerator?"
The man shrugs and answers, "Yeah. It was just 15 seconds. I didn't think it'd have any long-term damage."
The parrot says, "Jesus! What the hell did that turkey do?"
https://redd.it/18opi44
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My wife just found out she's adopted
She's devastated and kept asking "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears...
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "Who's your daddy?!" was a little insensitive.
https://redd.it/18oeuys
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A poor farmer has two sons; a smart one and a dumb one.
One day he goes to his smart son and he tell him “Bring this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. If you sell for any extra go ahead and take that to the whorehouse on your way back home.”
So the son goes to the market with the duck, manages to sell it for 7 dollars and promptly goes to the whorehouse and spends the extra 2 dollars he had earned and gets home by the end of the day.
About a month later the farmer needs a few extra bucks so he decides to use the same plan with his sons. For some reason this time he can’t find his smart son so he goes to the dumb son and says again “take this duck to the market and sell it for 5 dollars. Any extra you earn you can go spend at the whorehouse on the way home.”
The dumb son leaves carrying the duck but after getting a couple miles out he gets horny and forgets what he was sent to do so he turns the truck straight to the whorehouse. Upon arrival the lady running the place asks him how he expects to pay and he says “well I got this duck.” The lady thinks it over and decides there’s no harm in getting paid a duck for a couple minutes. So she takes him into the next room and they have wild amazing sex. After they finish she says to him “Wow that was fantastic. Can we please do this again? I’ll even let you keep the duck.” And he happily agrees.
Now tired he goes to drive back home. On the drive the duck gets spooked and flies out the window, directly into the path of a semi. The semi driver immediately pulls over and so does the son. The driver says “Oh my god I’m so sorry I killed your duck, it all happened in a flash. Please take 15 dollars for your troubles.” And the son happily agrees and goes on his way.
Once he arrives home his father asks him how much money he got. The son proudly empties his pocket and shows his father the 15 big ones. The farmer is stunned and asks him exactly what happened that day. The son says “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 15 bucks for a fucked up duck!”
https://redd.it/18qtg9r
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Batman drives the Batmobile back to the Batcave.
He steps out, covered in slime and muck from his adventures.
"My word, Master Bruce!" cries Alfred. "You're absolutely filthy! I'll fill the bathtub at once!"
"What's a htub?"
https://redd.it/18qjnra
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Homeless Man
Jim was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Jim took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Jim asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Jim asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Jim asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed homeless man.
"Well," said Jim, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Gayle."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Jim replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
https://redd.it/18qinaj
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Putin is woken up by one of his generals.
The general says, “Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to talk about surrender.”
Putin replies, “Sure! Get Zelensky on the phone with me.”
The general asks, “What phone? They’re right here!”
https://redd.it/18qatos
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A vagina is the greatest engine on the planet.
It gets turned on just by a finger.
It self lubricates.
It changes its own oil every 4 weeks.
https://redd.it/18q7cru
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God and his will…
- A devout person is caught in a flood. As the waters rise, they climb onto the roof of their house and pray to God for help.\ A neighbor in a canoe comes by and offers to take them to safety, but the person refuses, saying, “I’m waiting for God to save me.” \ As the water keeps rising, a rescue team in a boat comes along, urging the person to get in, but again they refuse, saying, “God will rescue me.” \ Finally, as the water reaches the rooftop, a helicopter descends with a ladder, and once more, the person turns down the help, saying, “I have faith that God will saveme.” \ Tragically, the person drowns. When they meet God in heaven, they ask, “Why didn’t you save me?”\ God replies, “I sent you a canoe, a boat, and even a helicopter! What more were you expecting?”
https://redd.it/18pzj6s
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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then this has to be a Christmas joke.
I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me
The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:
"If you go to carriage 4, you can get a Guinness, you idiot. You can also find a Stella in carriage 6, dumbass. There's also someone microbrewing in the front of the train, but he looks stupid."
I was a bit taken aback at how mean Olf was, but I thanked him for the information. Soon after, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sven what the deal was with his friend.
"Don't worry" he said. "Rude Olf the red knows train beer."
https://redd.it/18pur3v
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Moms always know
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched them interact throughout the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
​
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
\------------------
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love, Your son."
​
\------------------
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mom."
https://redd.it/18pflpa
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What's white and has a high body count?
Mt. Everest
https://redd.it/18pibs8
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King Arthur introduces a visitor to his warriors...
"This is the brave Sir Lancelot, and on my left, the bold Sir Gawain.
On the far side of the Round table are handsome Sir Galahad, the fierce Sir Sagramore and the famous Sir Eve..."
"Wait, what? Sir Eve? Famous?! "
"Well, surely you have heard about the Knight Before Christmas?"
https://redd.it/18p4e6t
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So, Mariah Carey wakes up Christmas morning and runs downstairs to her tree...
Underneath the tree is a single present. She unwraps the box to find a rolled up piece of paper inside. She rolls the paper open to find the deed for an unused piece of business property in New York City. As she read it over she exclaimed, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
https://redd.it/18p0yqi
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A poor Irish family
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.
Poof! A female leprechaun appears.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 20 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 18 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"
The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.
The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"
"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.
"The cow didn't."
https://redd.it/18oufgh
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During the Great Depression, a penniless young woman is desperate to get back to her family in Europe. (NSFW)(long)
She has no money and can’t find any work New York City. On a dark and moonless night, she goes down to the docks and sneaks aboard a ship. She finds a covered lifeboat and hides there.
Sometime in the morning, a deck hand finds her. She tells him of her plight and begs him not to report her. The deckhand says, “I’m from Europe myself, I have no one, and I’m barely getting by?. I'll find you a place to stowaway below deck, and we can start a new life together when we get there. My uncle has an empty cottage on his farm. We can make a life for ourselves and be happy”. The deck hand is sweet, and is good looking, so she agrees.
The next night he takes her to a secluded storage area and gives her a blanket. Every night he brings her food and water, and they talk a bit. After a few nights, they end every visit with passionate sex.
After the third week, the Chief Engineer is doing a routine inspection below deck, and he hears a quiet rustling in the storage area. He pulls back a tarp and sees her, shaking in fear.
"WHAT are YOU doing here, miss??"
And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in here, smuggling me food."
"Have you told me everything? “asks the Chief.
"And...well. He's screwing me."
and the Chief says,
"He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
https://redd.it/18ou9em
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The Woman, the Myth, the Legend: Fanny Green
An Irish man went to confession at his Catholic Church. ‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month’. The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s then put $5 in the collection tray’.
Soon after, another man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’‘A new woman in the neighborhood’, the sinner replied. ‘Very well,’ sighed the priest, ‘Go and say 10 Hail Mary’s then put $25 in the collection tray’.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the Church. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was emerald-green, very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough for them to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just the reflection from her shoes’.
https://redd.it/18oe1hd
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TV crew goes to the countryside
A TV crew goes down to a farmer to explore how a day in the countryside unfolds. They ask him to describe how his day goes.
\- Well, I get up in the morning, and I have a shot of moonshine...
\- Hold on, hold on, this won't do!! We can't tell our viewers that you're drinking first thing in the morning. You know what, say that you get up and read the newspaper. There you go!
\- Alright, I get up in the morning, and I read the newspaper. I feed the pigs, and then I read another newspaper. In the morning, I'm out in the workshop, and I read two or three books. For lunch, I read two magazines, then I walk around the estate, reading another book. In the evening, I bring in the animals, and then I read the evening newspaper. After that, I would go to the library, but it's only open until ten, so then we go over to my buddy Joe's place, 'cause he's got a printing press...
https://redd.it/18obnnm
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