1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
O.J. Simpson has passed away from cancer.
He can now rest in peace knowing that his wife’s killer is dead.
https://redd.it/1c1ju7m
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A German is on holiday in America
While driving he accidentally crashes into the car of an American. The American gets out, walks to the German and yells:
„Are you blind or something? Can‘t you see where you‘re going?“
The Germans replies:
„Calm down my friend. Let‘s have a quick drink to calm the nerves“
He grabs a bottle of schnapps and hands it to the American. The American takes a sip and hands it back. The German then puts the bottle back in his car.
„Aren’t you gonna drink?“ asks the American.
„No“ said the German. „I‘m waiting for the police to arrive“
https://redd.it/1c19uvv
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Little Timmy and his grandpa are down at the pond fishing.
Timmy says, “Grandpa I need another worm.” Grandpa points and says, “Lift up that rock and see if there’s a worm under it.” Timmy lifts the rock and sure enough, there’s a big juicy worm, sticking halfway out of a hole in the mud. Timmy pulls it out and grandpa says, “I’ll give you 5 bucks if you can get that worm back in the hole.” Timmy tries and tries to get the wiggling worm back in the hole but no luck. He thinks for a minute then says, “I’ll be right back,” and runs up to the house. A couple minutes later he comes back with a can of hair spray. He holds the worm up, sprays it with the hair spray, lets it dry, then sticks it back in the hole. Grandpa says, well that was pretty smart!” and gives Timmy his $5. Next morning they’re out fishing again and grandpa says, “Oh I almost forgot to give you this,” and hands Timmy another $5. Timmy says, “But grandpa, you already gave me $5 yesterday.” Grandpa says, “Yeah, I know, that’s from your grandma.”
https://redd.it/1c0zwu4
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What's the difference between a crow and a raven?
Well the long straight feathers on the birds tail are called pinions. A crow has 12, a raven 13.
So the difference between a row and a raven is a matter of a pinion.
https://redd.it/1c0zgks
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Two hard-working Pennsylvania coal miners were looking for some fun, so they went to the local college bar and met three hot Penn State sorority girls who were ready to party...
...but I can't finish the joke here. Reddit r/Jokes Rule #3: No sexualization of miners.
https://redd.it/1c0r4cy
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Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.
Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.
His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing.
His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"
https://redd.it/1c0i9ag
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What did the suicide bomber say before detonation?
Faith is one thing but I gotta C4 myself!
https://redd.it/1c0a1k2
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My wife asked me how my job was going at the battery factory.
I told her it has its pluses and minuses.
https://redd.it/1c07yg2
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A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. The man turns around and says, “Anyone know whose phone this is?"
https://redd.it/1c004xa
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The pope is dying…
And only one thing can save his life. His most trusted advisors come to him and say “Your eminence, the only way to save your life is for you to have sex with a woman. You have to release decades of pressure. Please, do it for your people and for the Catholics around the world.”
With a heavy heart, the pope agrees. “I will, to my shame, do what you all for the good of my people. But I have three conditions.”
“Please, tell us and we’ll abide by them,” say his advisors.
“First,” says the pope, “she must be blind. She cannot see that she is having sex with me, and I cannot risk a blindfold as it may come off.”
“It shall be done.”
“Second, she must be deaf and dumb. I cannot have her hear my voice, or speak of this encounter with anyone else.”
“Of course your eminence.”
“And third, she has to have fucking huge tits.”
https://redd.it/1bz4rrp
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I just got fired
But I didn’t even do anything!
So I interviewed for another job. The interviewer said he was looking for someone who is responsible.
I replied, “Well, I’m exactly who you want. At my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!”
Somehow, I actually got the job. They said they could pay me $25/hr right now and increase it to $35/hr in 12 months. “So when can you start?” they asked.
“In 12 months.”
https://redd.it/1bzjaaw
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Straight people use Tindr, gay males use Grindr. What dating app do Lesbians use?
Scisr
https://redd.it/1bz9fo3
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Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently-married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate you leaving now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it!" he replied.
https://redd.it/1bz1jpj
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A man and his pig walk into a bar...
(apologies if this has been posted before)
The pig has three good legs, and one wooden leg.
"Now there's a story," says the barman. "I'll give you a free beer if you tell me about the pig."
"Pig'll 'ave a beer too," says the farmer.
The barman agrees, and after downing half the tankard, the farmer says, "Now, this 'ere pig, 'es a good pig. Faithful, loyal, better at 'erding sheep than a dog, says me. Now I'll tell you, we were out in the ute, and a tyre blew. Skidded off the track, and the truck rolled.
"Now, I were stuck upside down and injured, like, but pig could get out. 'e crawled out of the window, trotted three mile over hill and through creek to get me wife, so 'e did. And when the ambulance arrived, pig trotted all three mile back to get them to me. Is a good pig, so 'e is. Saved me life, I reckon."
The barman is suitably impressed, but says "That's a hell of a story mate, but that doesn't explain the wooden leg."
"Oh that!" exclaims the farmer. "Oh, well, like I said, pig saved my life. An' a pig like that, well, you don't eat 'im all at once do yer!"
https://redd.it/1bysfzl
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(NSFW) A sumo wrestler is getting married to a very small woman.
A massive sumo wrestler, about 6'7, and over 450lbs, is getting married. His wife is very, very small, about 4'5 and maybe 90 lbs or so.
After they say their vows, a few of his friends come up to him, and one says- "This is gonna sound rude, but how the hell do you guys have sex?"
The sumo responds, "Well, I lift her up, place her on my dick, and move her up and down with both hands"
Oh", says the guy, "that's not too bad"
Sumo replies- "Yeah, its a lot like jacking off, except now I have someone to talk to."
https://redd.it/1bypowc
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The Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, a martial artist or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
https://redd.it/1c1gbbw
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A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches.
"You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"
"Really?"
"Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was if course much faster than me."
The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."
"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.
"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.
"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."
"That's nice "
"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."
https://redd.it/1c1cfcu
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Doctor, help! I took Viagra and my erection is longer than 4 inches.
Man: Doctor, help! I took Viagra and my erection is longer than 4 inches.
Doctor: You mean hours?
Man: No, it's mine.
https://redd.it/1c0y5d1
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Cleavage is like the sun..
You can stare longer if you wear sunglasses
https://redd.it/1c0n2os
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Two old ladies' men, Lenny and Joe, were sitting on a park bench...
... watching the people walk by and reminiscing about the wilder days of their youth. As they're sitting, a lovely young brunette walks by and catches their eyes...
Lenny: So Joe, you ever sleep with a brunette?
Joe: Oh yes... Many a time, many a time
They continue their conversation until a pretty blonde saunters by...
Lenny: Well, Joe, you ever sleep with a blonde girl?
Joe: Oh yes... Many a time, many a time
The senior casanovas resume their reflections on the past when a knockout redhead struts by...
Lenny: what about a redhead? You ever sleep with a redhead, Joe?
Joe: Not a wink!
https://redd.it/1c0jx5u
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A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt.
He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
https://redd.it/1c0i1ya
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On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”
Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”
https://redd.it/1c0bufj
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Desert Island
A man is shipwrecked on a desert Island. His only company is a female pig and a male German shepherd. All his needs are met but he is lonely and horny. One night he slides up next to the pig and puts his arm around her. The dog growls and he backs off. One morning he sees something washed up on the beach. It is an attractive young woman. She is sunburnt and suffering from exposure but otherwise alright and he nurses her back to health. The four of them are sitting around a fire on the beach and he slides up next to the woman and whispers in her ear why don't you take the dog for a walk.
https://redd.it/1bzz4rt
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You hear about the guy who masturbated to Jennifer Lawrence’s feet pics but he thought they were Jennifer Love Hewitt’s?
He got off on the wrong foot…
I know.. I’m sorry
https://redd.it/1bzt0dh
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Two idiots decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first idiot asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."
"Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!"
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The idoit is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The idiot, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" he replies.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" he asked.
"No," his friend replied.
"Gay."
https://redd.it/1bzped0
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I took my wife skydiving today
so if you thought you saw an eclipse...
https://redd.it/1bzcr3s
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A man gets stuck in quick sand……
It’s up to his knees and he can’t get out. Finally he sees a guy walking his dog and shouts “Hey Mr, I’m stuck in this quick sand. Please help me get out”
The dog walker says “I’ll get you out, no problem but first you go to suck my dick!”
The guy says “what? Fuck off you dirty bastard”
15 minutes later, the quick sand is now passed his hips. He sees a man riding a bike and shouts “Hey Mr, I’m stuck in this quick sand please help me get out”
The cyclist says “sure, no problem but first you got to suck my dick”
The guy says “wtf is wrong with you man, get the fuck out of here you dirty bastard!”
20 minutes later, the quicksand is now up to the guys chin, he’s minutes away from dying. He finally sees a man jogging by and shouts “Mr, Mr…..please get me out of this quick sand. I’ll do anything, I’ll suck your dick, I’ll suck it so fucking good”
The jogger says “fuck off your dirty bastard” and stomps his head under the sand.
https://redd.it/1bz7ra0
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It seems like not everyone know this joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
https://redd.it/1byxq31
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A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain.
This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain."
https://redd.it/1byqsk6
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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.
https://redd.it/1by1jb8
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