1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good..! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God..!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ..?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep..?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod..??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam..? Madam..?..... Good Lord, she's fucking fainted..!
https://redd.it/1aelemm
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At the height of the French Revolution, two aristocrats and a blacksmith were in line to be guillotined. The Executioner gave them option to lay face-up, and if the guillotine malfunctioned, they would be pardoned.
The 1st aristocrat said, “I will not be humiliated” and faced upwards. The blade was released, but miraculously stopped inches away from him neck. The Executioner let him go. The 2nd aristocrat said, “I’m just a brave as he is,” and got on his back. Again, the blade stopped just inches from his neck, and he was pardoned. The blacksmith told the Executioner, “I’m equal to them” and laid on his back. Just before the Executioner pulled the release, the blacksmith said, “Wait! I think I see the problem with the blade!”
https://redd.it/1aecfsv
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A well-dressed drunk man walks into a bar
He approaches the bar and shouts: "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!"
The bartender pours all the drinks. The whole bar cheers and they all drink.
Afterwards, the bartender hands the bill to the man, who just shrugs and says "Oh, I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight. Sorry!" The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the same man stumbles into the bar. "Bartender!" the man happily shouts as he approaches, "A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!"
The bartender thinks, '*This guy can't be that stupid. I hope for his sake that he came to pay for last night's drinks too. Also I feel pretty bad about beating him up yesterday, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.*' So he pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, and they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh, I forgot my wallet again. Sorry!" The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder than before and kicks him out.
On the third night in a row, the bartender can't believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!"
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically. "What? No drink for me tonight?"
The drunk looks at him and says "Nah man, you get too violent when you drink."
https://redd.it/1ae4n00
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A man was driving along the motorway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car
. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 60 mph. He accelerated to 70, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, but the chicken overtook him.
Then the man noticed that the chicken had six legs. So he followed the chicken, speeding all the way, and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens on the farm had six legs.
When he spotted the farmer he asked him, "Where did you get these chickens?"
The farmer replied "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a six-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man was impressed and asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, I haven't caught one yet."
https://redd.it/1adw0v1
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Late at night, this guy's walking home when he spots a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks!" she whispers. Now, he's never been with a prostitute, but he decides what the hell.
So, these two are getting busy, right?
And outta nowhere, a cop shines a light on 'em.
The officer's like, "What's happening here, folks?"
The man, all defensive, replies, "I'm gettin' down with my wife, officer."
The cop apologizes, saying he didn't know.
And the man hits back with, "Well, truth be told, I didn't know either until you shined that light on her face."
https://redd.it/1adrede
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Make a horse laugh
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool.
In front of him, he sees a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
"Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5"
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.
So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar again and sees the horse and the jar, this time it says:
"You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10"
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like nobody ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he can leave the bartender asks:
"How did you do that?!"
The guy says:
"The first time, I told him my d\*ck was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him!"
https://redd.it/1adj1i0
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Heaven is purrfect
A cat dies and goes to heaven. An angel meets him at the gate and says: “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.
The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.
The angel says: “Say no more”. Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven. The angel meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, and even women with brooms have chased us. If we each could only have pairs of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”.
The angel says: “Say no more”. Instantly, each mouse is fitted with beautiful pairs of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, the angel decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. The angel gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life, and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
https://redd.it/1ad7q0c
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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
https://redd.it/1ad1hwz
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Three men were in a hospital
An Englishman, a French, and a Congolese were expecting to receive their babies from the ward.
The doctor comes out with three nurses; each carting a baby.
"Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news..." says the doctor, "there was a mix-up and I'm afraid we cannot determine which babies--"
Just then, the Englishman grabs the cart with the darkest baby and dashes for the door.
"Sir, what are you doing?!" shouts the doctor
"I ain't raising no goddamn Frenchman!"
https://redd.it/18wkfco
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After rushing to a drugstore…
a nervous young man was obviously embarrassed when a middle-aged woman asked if she could serve him. “N-n-n-o” he stammered “I should see the druggist” “I’m the druggist” she replied cheerfully “What can I do for you?” “Oh… well, uh, it’s nothing important” he said and turned to leave. “Young man” said the druggist “my sister and I have been running this drugstore for almost 30 years. There’s nothing you can tell me that will embarrass you *or* me” “Well, all right” he said “I have this awful erection that keeps coming back. No matter how often I have sex, it’s up again in 10 minutes. Is there anything you can give me for it?” “Just a moment” she said, “I’ll have to discuss this with my sister” A few minutes later she returned “The best we can offer is $1000 a week and half-interest in the business”
https://redd.it/18vza7t
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A guy approaches his friend in the Synagogue.
"Dave, I need your big favor as my best friend. I am heading to the rabbi's to have sex with his wife. Please keep him here for two hours. Ask complicated questions, follow up on the answers, trade stories... Whatever you can do to make him stay," the guy says.
David reluctantly agrees and goes to see the rabbi.
"Rabbi, I got myself into a predicament. My friend pressured me to prevent you from leaving here while your wife and he were having sex at your house. What is your advice?"
Rabbi: "Run home. I am not married."
https://redd.it/18w9s4p
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A woman asks her husband, "Did you marry me because my father died and left me a fortune?"
And her husband says, "Of course not! I would have married you no matter who left you the money."
https://redd.it/18vyy3d
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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
He walked all the way to the airport and got home.
Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.
The driver says, "$15."
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
"How much to airport?"
"$15."
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15."
The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
https://redd.it/18v5p3e
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A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence ... for example:
* Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
* Jane ate her friend's colon.
https://redd.it/18vmjyj
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Little Johnny walked up to a security guard at the mall and said, "I've lost my mother. Can you help me find her?"
The guard replied, "Absolutely can do, Little Dude. What's she like?" Little Johnny said, "Big dicks and vodka but I don't know how that information helps."
https://redd.it/18rzz3f
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My uncle passed away (long)
So quite a few years back I had an uncle named Sal pass away. He had no wife or kids so essentially my step dad and his siblings were in the will. One of the things being his house that he had owned.
My dad brought me along to check out the place and as he looked through the interior he suggested I check out the backyard and let him know if I see anything interesting.
There wasn't anything special. Typical yard equipment in the shed and whatnot, but there was one odd thing I noticed.
I went back inside and said to my dad, "nothing really to write home about, but it looks like there are a ton of holes that were dug up and filled at some point" My dad replies, "well Sal was kind of a weirdo; dig em up maybe he was stashing cash or valuables there"
So i went at it. First hole I dug up there was just a piece of wood. I kinda just looked at it weird and tossed it to the side. Hole after hole it continued to be the same thing over and over, so I started throwing them in a bin to see if my dad could make ends of it.
Finally after at least an hour I come in with the bin and set it down and say, "this is it... this is what was in EVERY SINGLE HOLE!"
My dad sighs and says, "well he was always oddly afraid of vampires." I kinda just stared at him confused and he continued, "either way it seems that you have uncovered all of Sal's Burried Stakes*"
https://redd.it/1aec8nm
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I caught the flu in Madrid on a recent business trip.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call? I’m *amazed* you got here so quickly…",he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
https://redd.it/1ae2dqt
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My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."
She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.
https://redd.it/1ae7flt
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Two Christians were lost in an Arabian desert...
The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse.
On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim.
They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help. The Muslims are very friendly and tell him they have plenty of food and water for him.
The second one tells them he's Muslim. The reply: "Salaam, brother! Happy Ramadan!"
https://redd.it/1advn2n
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A cop found class A drugs on me.
A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then," he said, handing me the bag.
I flushed them down, then he looked at me and said "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "the drugs."
I replied, "what drugs?"
https://redd.it/1adr3yg
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hillbilly went hunting
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck is from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license
?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
https://redd.it/1adj2it
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies "It's a freebie"
https://redd.it/1ad9rfs
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A tired man arrives home after attending his son's wedding, proud that his son remained chaste until marriage. Take a shower. And he is almost asleep when his phone rings...
"Dad?", asks his son on the phone. "I'm on my honeymoon, and I don't know how to have sex. Can you explain it to me?"
"Ah, son, it's easy; just insert the hardest part of your body where she pees," replies the sleepy father.
He yawns, hangs up the phone and lays his head on the pillow when another call comes in.
"Mister?, asks his daughter-in-law. "I need help! Your son stuck his head in the toilet."
https://redd.it/18wrsfy
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Ivan was working at a vacuum cleaners factory in USSR, but couldn't afford to buy one himself...
One day his wife said: Vanya, you are an idiot, you can steal a single part of a vacuum cleaner every day, after a month or two we will have all the parts we need, and you'll assemble it yourself.
After two months of stealing parts Ivan locked himself in a workshop and begun assembling vacuum cleaner. Wife waited for six hour for him to finish and then knocked and asked if something wrong.
\- You see, - answered distressed Ivan - I've assembled and re-assembled it six times, and still getting a grenade launcher!
https://redd.it/18wl7z5
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A woman comes home to find her husband in bed with a very attractive young woman.
She starts yelling and cursing for several minutes, when the husband says"will you at least let me explain?". The woman became quiet and her husband continued.
"Well, I found this beautiful young woman with almost no clothes and barefoot, homeless and hungry on the street. So I took her home. I gave her these dresses that you never wear cuz' it makes you look fat. Then I gave her the steak from yesterday you didn't eat because you suddenly became vegan. Then I gave her these shoes you never wear because your friend already has them.
She loved them all. When I walked her out the door, she asked "Is there anything else your wife doesn't want?"
https://redd.it/18wekxg
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A Jewish man, Abram, is on his deathbed
His faithful wife Sarah of 50+ years is by his side. While he's suffering through his illness, he turns to his wife.
"Sarah, we've been married for over 50 years. When the Nazis came through our village and took us to a concentration camp and we somehow survived, you were there with me."
Sarah replies "I was, Abram."
Abram says "and when the economy went down, and our business went under, you were there with me."
Sarah replies "I was, my love."
Abram says "and when we lost our home, and had to live in a shack, you were there with me."
She says "yes sweetheart, I was."
Abram says "and when our children rebelled, and got in all sorts of trouble, and we didn't know what we would do to get them on the right path.... you were there."
Sarah is tearing up at this point over all the times they've been through. "I was Abram."
Abram looks at her with a serious face. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck, Sarah."
https://redd.it/18w6q1r
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On my first day in prison, my cell mate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
https://redd.it/18vz6vz
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Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin made a bet who has more disciplined army.
They gathered on the top of the scyscraper with their hand-picked soldiers from respective armies.
First was Roosevelt with his decorated infantry sergeant.
\- Bill, there are our national pride at the stake, you must jump from the roof immediately.
Segeant looked at the ground, shuddered and said:
\- Sir, I respect you personally, you are my commander-in-chief, but I just can't do this, I have a family to think of.
Next was Churchill with leutenant of Royal Marines.
\- John, - said Churchill, - Britain must win this, in the name of our King I order you to jump from the roof.
Leutenant looked down, shuddered and said:
\- Sir, you are the best premier-minister in 20 years, you helped our nation repel Nazi attack, but I can't do this, I have a family to thinl of.
Stalin puffed on the pipe and said to Red Army soldier:
\- Ivan, jump.
Ivan immediately jumps from the roof. He is catched with the net a few stories down. He is met with Roosevelt and Churchil and asked why he did it?
\- I have a family to think of, - answered soldier.
​
https://redd.it/18vt4bj
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3 women die and go up to heaven.
God tells them" do not step on the ducks you will be punished ".
One of the women accidentally steps on the duck and God chains her to the ugliest man for eternity.
Despite being extremely careful, the second woman steps on a duck as well, and gets chained to an even uglier man for eternity.
Women #3 is extra careful not to step on the ducks. After some time God chains her to the most handsome, good looking guy.
The woman turned to the guy and asked" How and why did you get here?" " I don't know " replied the man" I just stepped on a duck "
https://redd.it/18s21s7
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My wife finished a 36-week bodybuilding program yesterday.
We welcomed a baby girl into our family weighing 8 pounds and 2 ounces.
I'm officially a father!
https://redd.it/18rvowt
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