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Кто хочет знать английский как англичанин, тот читает тут рассказы на настоящем королевском английском языке. В оригинале . Реклама @neznayca или по ссылке telega.in/c/one_story
A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upon a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out by hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushes inland, and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it. Just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you play that card?" He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising his hands, cried:
"Thank God they are Christians!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in a high, penetrating voice, "Is there a Christian Scientist in this room?"
A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a Christian Scientist."
"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind changing seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Ошибка Москвича №1: тратить деньги в центре. Люди не подозревают, что в паре станций метро есть сотни заведений и развлечений в 4-5 раз дешевле.
Выходите из дома, открывайте
🌇 Эй, Москва! И точно не останетесь без впечатлений.
✦ Авторы сделали десяток подборок заведений: кофейни, рестораны, бары, клубы с хорошими диджеями.
✦ Анонсируют клёвые мероприятия: концерты, арт-выставки, бесплатные тренинги и театральные постановки.
✦ Советуют классные места для прогулок: парки, красивые улочки, пешеходные аллеи и даже заброшки.
Уверяем, с этим каналом Москва откроется для вас по-новому, подписывайтесь: @msk_state
William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government, was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's battleships. Among other things that impressed the American was the vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well attended, every sailor not on duty being there. At the conclusion of the service the American chanced to ask one of the jackies:
"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"
"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our grog would be stopped if we didn't, sir."—Edwin Tarrisse.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, went to his teacher and handed in the following note from his mother before taking his seat:
"Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present yesterday.
"He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James; and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner of a cat they chased licked him. Then I licked him when he came home, after which his father licked him; and I had to give him another for being impudent to me for telling his father. So you need not lick him until next time.
"He thinks he will attend regular in future."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of his visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed with surprise that there were no chickens.
"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"
"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool niggah lef de do' open an' dey all went home."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one dark night, took his revolver and went to investigate.
"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door.
No answer.
"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"
A trembling voice from the farthest corner:
"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
BOOKS AND READING
LADY PRESIDENT—"What book has helped you most?"
NEW MEMBER—"My husband's check-book."—Martha Young.
___
There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women and readers.
___
The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he showed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he. "Every one of those books was lent me."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:
"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following Saturday."
"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.
"Because the barn is so far away from the house."
"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger than a city lot!"
"Why, how big is your father's farm?"
"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back by their grandchildren."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke in consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in one of the Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a local theater.
He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was talking, he said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"
A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We don't have boxes for two."
"Isn't this the —— Theater?" he called crossly.
"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop."
He canceled his order for a "box for two."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, an Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions to bury the body were given. Some hours later the doctor peeked into the room and found that the body was still there. He called the Irishman's attention to the matter and the latter replied:
"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan of thim in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm pretty near dead.'
"So I buried him."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
@popsmarketing – это сборник олдскульных рекламных кейсов, чтобы поностальгировать над креативами прошлых лет.
Креатив, от которого олдскулы сведёт: /channel/popsmarketing
Любите читать в оригинале?
Тогда вы, наверняка, хоть раз задавались вопросом о том, что делать с новой лексикой, которая попадается в книге. Проверять каждое слово? Потом выписывать его и зубрить? Но так ведь одну книгу можно читать целую вечность!
Алёна уже пятый год читает по 50-60 книг на английском в год и делится всеми своими секретами в подкастах о чтении в оригинале. В первом подкасте как раз подробно рассказано:
📌как прийти к своей норме в 60 книг на английском в год;
📌 почему классика не всегда самый лучший выбор для чтения в оригинале;
📌 в чем отличие между учебными и художественными текстами;
📌 как работать с новой лексикой из книг;
📌 как такой метод работы с лексикой поможет вам развить языковые навыки.
Чтобы получить доступ к подкасту:
✔️ Подписывайтесь на канал Алёны;
✔️ Слушайте подкаст ‘Мои стратегии чтения в оригинале’
The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.
"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I can."
"Done!" cried a major.
The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experiment tried.
The lieutenant fired.
"Miss," he calmly announced.
A second shot.
"Miss," he repeated.
A third shot.
"Miss."
"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you trying to do? You're not shooting for the target at all."
"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those cigars." And he got them.
Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New York City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of them said:
"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will have them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for them."
As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was.
"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the tower of the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River, and I bet that it won't."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Читать английскую литературу в оригинале... unreal?
🕰 На бумажные книги нет времени, воспринимать длинный текст в телефоне неудобно, да и английский у меня так себе...
Все эти проблемы решены в Twitter of J. Austen.
Чтение мини фрагментами, с аудиоверсией 🎧 и переводом на русский. Пленительная атмосфера той самой Великобритании 👒🎩, английский юмор as it is. В метро, в парке, 5 минут перед сном.
Уровень языка растет сам собой.
Let's Make Reading Great Again!
At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him:
"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"
"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I am not a Christian."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to the waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich."
"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will you eat it or take it with you?"
"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give his faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of his unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, etc.
"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight places in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a Christmas present that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy. Which do you prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey?"
"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage.
Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"
"I dunno. What was it?"
"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her say:
"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you.'"—Edwin Tarrisse.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CHILDREN
Two weary parents once advertised:
"WANTED, AT ONCE—Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four; each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children."
Another couple advertised:
"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the clever sayings of our child."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Кому Вы обязаны уступить дорогу при повороте налево?
1. Только автобусу
2. Только легковому автомобилю
3. Никому
Здесь собираю лучшие акварельные работы современных художников. Воздушная, текучая,непредсказуемая, нежная и сочная акварель. Подписывайся и вдохновляйся!
/channel/akvarelinspo
Если у вас есть карта Сбера, Тинькофф или Альфа-банка — держите совет: используйте их правильно. Ведь любая из этих карт может приносить минимум 70 000 рублей, а не просто лежать в кармане.
Сами посмотрите:
— Альфа ПОГАСИТ ваш кредит в любом банке абсолютно бесплатно
— Сбер ОПЛАТИТ вам любые покупки с 40% скидками
— Тинькофф ЗАПЛАТИТ до 20 000 рублей за открытие счёта
И таких фишек у банков — сотни. А чтобы узнавать про них — подписывайтесь на Беспощадного Банкстера.
Там рассказывают, какие карты надо открыть, чтобы получить 45 000 рублей, как получить 40% кэшбек с любой покупки и как убрать все проценты и комиссии.
Подписывайтесь, потом сами себе спасибо скажете: Беспощадный Банкстер.
A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of the morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.
"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"
"Yep."
"Do you live in this house?"
"Yep."
"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep."
With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure up the stairway to the second floor.
"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"
"Yep."
Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he came to and pushed the limp figure in.
The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"
"Yep," was the feeble reply.
"Do you live in this house, too?"
"Yep."
"Shall I help you upstairs?"
"Yep."
The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor, where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushed him in.
As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.
"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th' elevator shaf."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
⚡️ Жить в Москве и Питере дешевле, чем даже в Сыктывкаре
Халявы полно: можно бесплатно посетить любой концерт или музей, ездить на такси за 1₽ и есть в ресторанах за половину стоимости.
Сохраняйте крутые каналы про столицы, админы которых выискивают способы БЕСПЛАТНО и весело провести время:
🌇 Москва
🏙 Питер
Внутри: промокоды на бесплатное такси, ТОП-5 новых городских пространств, непопсовые выставки и акции.
Подписывайтесь, других таких каналов просто нет:
🌇 Москва
🏙 Питер
BLUNDERS
An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power."
"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?"
"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder which I never want to repeat."
"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"
"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country. He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of information as he possessed.
The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be necessary for you to talk."
When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked "Extra."
"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.
"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but when I do I charge for it."—E. Egbert.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
BIBLE INTERPRETATION
"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you say he got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But the Bible mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that time. Who, then, did Cain marry?"
The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he said, "you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool question I am axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good Book tells us, an' in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an' marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat de inspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de Holy Word."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was attending a meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid.
"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you see that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.
"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man. You might try him."
The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. The bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then, finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramp tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called to him:
"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"
The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a dollar for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: "I'll presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face within the next three minutes."
The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize."
"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' at all."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы