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Кто хочет знать английский как англичанин, тот читает тут рассказы на настоящем королевском английском языке. В оригинале! . . Ваш слуга: @neznayca (оплата только сюда)
An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went to Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested. "Tell me about her," he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender, willowy?"
"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CORNETS
Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven.
The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why he should not, but"—after a pause—"I doubt whether the man next door will."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Бывший работник Wildberries психанул и завёл свой канал, где матом и чернющим юмором рассказывает про работников торговли и маркетплейсы.
Почему нельзя ничего покупать на Wildberries, что не так с Aliexpress и что делать, если в заказе оказались ношеные трусы — вся информация здесь.
Подписывайтесь — /channel/+_9RaMRu3kWoxN2Q6
"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way."
"How so?"
"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at the movies before putting it in the oven.'"—Puck.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
COOKERY
"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies."
"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they don't die in the house?"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock.
"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice.
"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.
"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very steep."
"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn."
"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in with a shotgun.
"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.
"H—ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CONVERSATION
"My dog understands every word I say."
"Um."
"Do you doubt it?"
"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it perfectly."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CONUNDRUMS
"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversation between two confidence men?"
"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up."
"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinning theme."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office had reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," replied one of the elders, "they are close—vera close."
"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new minister tried the same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure. The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find that his own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the auld meenister," exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge o' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the pastor made a short address before the box was passed.
"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said gently, "but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightly hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box. 'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now if any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose chickens let him stay his hand from de box.
"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see if dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer fer him."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CONTRIBUTION BOX
There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr. Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double. And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong prejudice against the man who looks like you—although, I'm quite sure, we never met."
The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, "and I know why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for two years in the church you attended."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been taken suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it, for he knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, known to be a devoted worker in another church. While he was waiting to be shown to the sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house.
"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in her illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?"
"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's home; only we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to take any risks."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CONSEQUENCES
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words "results" and "consequences."
A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Если у вас на телефоне есть Ютуб, Инстаграм или Телеграм — можете смело с ними попрощаться
Тяжело говорить вслух, но 93% людей убивают в них время: смотрят тупые пранки, читают треш-новости и залипают на видосики с милыми котейками
Большинство даже не подозревают, что самые сливки всех площадок уже давно собраны на канале Yumi
Там буквально есть все: от скандальных видео и сливов 18+ до годных советов с полезными лайфхаками. Короче, все что вы пытались найти самостоятельно — теперь в одном месте
Вот ссылка — /channel/+5jlTkrdFGLMxYjQ6
Заинтересованы в академической музыке, но не знаете, как приобщиться к этому искусству. Она станет твоим проводником и предлагает вам уникальную возможность погрузиться в мир классической музыки: узнайте, как отличить оперу от симфонии, выбрать лучшие альбомы и откройте для себя тайны больших композиторов. Присоединяйтесь и откройте для себя великое искусство академической музыки!
Читать полностью…
CORPULENCE
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds.
"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine ter charge you double for your husband's shirts."
"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the mistress.
"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man, but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.—David Garrick.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimore such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seek expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to possess considerable experience in the cooking line.
"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she breathlessly entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I must have your advice."
"What is the trouble, my dear?"
"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he is going out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound to bring a lot home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook them. Won't you please tell me?"—Taylor Edwards.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
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🎂 ФУРШЕТ(горячий)/ алкоголь/ и подарки 🎁
С Любовью, Edgarcello
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/channel/edgarcello_official)
🎟 билеты по ссылке:
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🔎 Все мы любили смотреть сериал С.Л.Е.Д ?
Тогда ответь на вопрос ⬇️
❓А ты знаешь, почему нельзя спешить с признанием вины ?
❓Ты когда нибудь задумывался, как проходит исследование доказательств ?
📝 Не по телевизору, а в реальной жизни ?
🔍 Нашёл канал, где опытный адвокат по уголовным делам, рассказывает обо всем этом, понятным и интересным языком
‼️ Лично я, узнал то, о чем даже подумать не мог !
«КАРТОТЕКА ИСКУССТВ» —ТГК Александра Недомолкина об искусстве и людях, его создающих.🦸♂️
Мы замечаем искусство, которое происходит здесь и сейчас. В канале проходят постоянные рубрики, а так же анонсы театральных премьер и других культурных событий.
Тэги основных рубрик:
🎭 #людиискусстванашеговремени Канал знакомит подписчиков с новым человеком искусства, который рассказывает о себе, о своем деле, отвечает на вопросы читателей и, конечно, проявляет себя как творческий человек.
😛 #театральный
Гостем канала становится целый курс факультета творческого института. Студенты показывают, как проходят репетиции, первые выступления и учебный процесс.
📺 #киноклуб
Александр Недомолкин делится фильмами из своего списка «must see», чтобы все подписчики знали, как интересно и с пользой провести выходные.
Ждем вас в нашем культурном сообществе!
__<<<КАРТОТЕКА ИСКУССТВ>>>__
"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," said the vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five cents, I see that they have come."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Команда классических музыкантов и современных художников @skola_crew — маленькое независимое объединение энтузиастов, которое помогает публике, далёкой от мира академической музыки, лучше ориентироваться в ней.
Школа/Škola Crew своими концертами показывает, что классика — это не так уж страшно-скучно. «Школа» — это смесь эдьютейнмента, авторской настенной анимации и максимально качественного и профессионального исполнения камерной музыки.
Подача идёт навстречу неподготовленной публике, но при этом «подтягивает» её прослушиванием редко исполняемых и сложных для восприятия произведений.
Присоединяйтесь: /channel/skola_crew
Любители литературы и искусства — для вас потрясающее предложение!
Представьте себе папку каналов в Telegram, где вы найдете не только каналы, посвящённые литературе с невероятными новинками, искусству с восхитительными картинами, а так же канал о музеях с выставками, фильмами об искусстве и даже канал с магией балета.
А может кому-то захочется пораскинуть мозгами и сразится с закрученными загадками. А так же невероятный Кафка. Ну и конечно, изумительные мелодии — кайфуйте под классику!
Вот что точно покорит ваше сердце!
И самое замечательное — не нужно подписываться на каждый. Просто добавляйте папку "МУЗА" и наслаждайтесь этим разнообразием литературы, культуры и искусства: /channel/addlist/GoUeAcC5_ts5ZDJi
Загляните всего на минутку — что-то, что вы точно захотите почитать, посмотреть или послушать 😁
CONSTANCY
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank.
"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a year from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep the vacancy."
On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.
"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the General in a surprised tone.
"Yes, sir; very much."
"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quick march!"
As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir; but it isn't the same woman."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CONSIDERATION
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.
"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said to his host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"
"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de same considerashion."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
CONSCIENCE
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.
A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes, there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.
"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would start."
The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer something.
"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty of chairs in the room—"
The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be feared. "Who—who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.
"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your conscience!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York. When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good dinner."
The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.
Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:
"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New York, just ask for Dick."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. The expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said:
"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."
"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.
"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы