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Кто хочет знать английский как англичанин, тот читает тут рассказы на настоящем королевском английском языке. В оригинале . Реклама @neznayca или по ссылке telega.in/c/one_story
EDUCATION
Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than any one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he was exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day an old-timer met him with:
"How are you getting along, Pat?"
"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."
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Recipe for an editor
Take a personal hatred of authors,
Mix this with a fiendish delight
In refusing all efforts of genius
And maiming all poets on sight.
—Life.
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Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want something which you probably won't want.—Anthony Hope.
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ECHOES
An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the Yankee exclaimed:
"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."
"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."
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William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.
"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.
"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."
"He hasn't come down yet either."
"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon—anybody; I want to see one of them at once."
"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration last night and—"
Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way:
"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of it than anybody in the world."
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That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented California in the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhat addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with them without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at a supper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius of the same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy of his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered—it was in war times—and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on the contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after an ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded:
"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."
"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing to his feet; "but what was that last remark?"
McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."
"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr. McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelve o'clock at night he knew what his name was."
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A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the guard.
"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to ride upon this train?"
"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have noticed ye."
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A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.
"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.
"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know she'sh home all right—I shee a light upshtairs."
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A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.
"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.
"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know she'sh home all right—I shee a light upshtairs."
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MAGISTRATE—"And what was the prisoner doing?"
CONSTABLE—"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer worship."
MAGISTRATE—"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."
CONSTABLE—"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."
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The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in Lord Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as magistrate at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender brought before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor." "What's brought you here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come, come, I know that—drunk again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, both of them."
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DRUNKARDS
Sing a song of sick gents,
Pockets full of rye,
Four and twenty highballs,
We wish that we might die.
_____________________________
Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearly all night.
"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.
"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty straight."
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Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of an experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.
"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that I should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel. The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact of which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird shot, I said:
"'Can you direct me to the bank?'
"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the register around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name, and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance, he said:
"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at the left.'"
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WIFE (on auto tour)—"That fellow back there said there is a road-house a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"
HUSBAND—"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"
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A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently, when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to carry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland.
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The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned upon him in a way that left him speechless for days.
A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into the office and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger. Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in with ominous and icy words:
"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written. On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched your work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm and dispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You are insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. The very kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist and place yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign of violence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say this in all kindness and frankness. You are discharged."
The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to Bellevue Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeon that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked to be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and then said,
"Right as a top."
"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to that effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificate tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later, walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and then blurted out,
"Now you go get one."
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Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.
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ECONOMY
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses.
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DYSPEPSIA
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia."
"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough."
"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."
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On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils of intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."
"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"
The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sitting in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk."
The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but—but—there is only one man in that corner."—W. Karl Hilbrich.
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A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up the street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. A woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none too sweetly: "What do you want?"
"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps, with an elaborate bow.
"It is. What do you want?"
"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you—hic—come down an' pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home."
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⚡️ Известные личности теперь в Telegram!
😄 Карл Густав Юнг — мысли одного из самых цитируемых психологов.
🫠 Фаина Раневская — самая цитируемая актриса. Истории из жизни, иронические и саркастические мысли на все случаи жизни.
🥲 Фридрих Ницше — мысли самого цитируемого философа.
😂 Эрих Мария Ремарк — цитаты из произведений и писем великого писателя.
🥰 Артур Шопенгауэр — мысли одного из самых цитируемых философов.
🙂 Андрей Тарковский — канал о жизни и творчестве великого режиссёра.
Присоединяйтесь!
A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor, but finally he summoned the guard.
"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to ride upon this train?"
"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have noticed ye."
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A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding, began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding feast had left them.
"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead. Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something not just right."
He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:
"How is it? Am I walking straight?"
"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht—but who's that who's with ye."
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The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a bandaged hand.
"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked.
"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party last night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my hand."
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"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't seen him around here since I got back."
"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and got jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and hollered 'Fire!' and everybody did."
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DROUGHTS
Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.
"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives.
"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's bullfrogs in this yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet!"
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A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from a recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cut me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis, y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. "That shows you," continued the priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do." "Yis, y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."
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When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of the university, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and President Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter.
Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Young man, do you drink?"
"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not so early in the morning, thank you."
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Here's to the girls of the American shore, I love but one, I love no more, Since she's not here to drink her part, I'll drink her share with all my heart.
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