14418
Кто хочет знать английский как англичанин, тот читает тут рассказы на настоящем королевском английском языке. В оригинале . Реклама @neznayca или по ссылке telega.in/c/one_story
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money.
The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand now how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"
"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven my baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald.
"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once.
"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James.
"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the friend.
"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother is when I'm washing myself—unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my face stops."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
"What is the name of your automobile?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"
"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it 'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The Limit.'"—Life.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the various methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the examples cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was wont to arouse his wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim, "Maria, get up; I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon the poet's obedient helpmate would crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word.
About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize the bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, Maria, get up! I've thought of a better word!"
The company in general listened to the story with admiration, but a merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my husband I should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've thought of a bad word!'"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ATTENTION
The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation.
To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the board."
Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three.
He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote sixty-seven.
When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no attention called out:
"Theventy-theven. Change that you thucker!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the people knew anything at all about what was in store for them.
So I turned in at the general store. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while away his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels, straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expect there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and green dots.
The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.
"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Nature has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"
"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ARMIES
A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie from the canteen.
As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major stopped and said:
"What's that you have there?"
"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?"
The major frowned.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."
The major shook his head.
"Guess again," he growled.
"The barber from the village?"
"No."
"Maybe"—here the sentry laughed—"maybe you're the major himself?"
"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.
The sentry scrambled to his feet.
"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I present arms!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
APPLAUSE
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly. Still the clapping continued.
When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing out his chest.
"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.
"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.
"Hand-clapping?"
"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show they appreciate me."
"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Если вы хотите посетить Москву или живете здесь, но кроме Красной площади и ВДНХ ничего не знаете, скорее сохраняйте канал Мой город — Москва.
❤️ Здесь вы всегда найдёте кафешку под настроение, будете в курсе культурных мероприятий и откроете для себя десятки мест для прогулок.
В общем, это ваш карманный путеводитель который поможет вам круто отдохнуть в столице за копейки
Подпишитесь, такая Москва вам точно понравится: @mskmycity
Пушкин, Есенин, Лермонтов – это всё, что вы запомнили из уроков по литературе?
Тогда мы нашли канал, который перевернёт ваше представление о книгах – «Ещё главу и спать».
📜 Авторы берут произведение и объясняют, что хотел сказать автор, какие метафоры использовал, что переживал в этот момент.
В общем, переводят литературу на человеческий язык.
Богатый словарный запас и острый интеллект ждут вас по ссылке - @read_glava
AMBITION
Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter?"
Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped to gratify it.
The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford," she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."
"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate. Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy was lucky enough to have a permit.
One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper pursued.
For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants:
"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?
"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.
"You have? Then show it to me."
The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned in perplexity and anger.
"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Laksti — это блог Константина Лакстигаля, художника, студента академии живописи в Милане.
На своём канале он рассказывает о своём творчестве и о путешествиях по Италии и Европе.
Загляните: /channel/laksti_art
As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.
"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.
"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a hundred an' ten years ole."
"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"
"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere livin' wif her grandmother."
@one_story
〰️ Турция — умерла. Делать там нечего.
〰️ Дубай — дорого. И обслуживание там ужасное.
〰️ Египет — на дне. Полная антисанитария.
Поэтому самый простой способ отдохнуть — остаться в России. Ведь только здесь есть сотни мест для отдыха по цене пачки макарон.
А чтобы узнавать про такие места — держите в подписках «Travel Russia».
Тут находят непопсовые локации, которые удивят любого туриста: для фоток, для прогулок, для отдыха и для тусовок.
Подписывайтесь — такие каналы на вес золота: «Travel Russia».
Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in the army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when things began to look black with peace and the American general discovered that his princely pay when translated into United States money was about sixty cents a day, he struck for the coast. There he found a United States warship and asked transportation home.
"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come aboard whenever you like and bring your luggage."
"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have fifty-four pieces."
"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? A freighter?"
"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My fifty-four pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Ежедневный контент, практика лексики и грамматики, мемы - это и даже больше на канале "Croak! English". Здесь всем рады)
t.me/croakenglish
🇳🇴Норвегия — страна с богатой историей и культурой, которая привлекает туристов со всего мира.
🎼Здесь вы найдете уникальную этническую и народную музыку, а также увлекательные рассказы об истории Норвегии.
🎻Канал «Музыкальная история Норвегии» — это место, где вы сможете погрузиться в удивительный мир норвежских традиций и фольклора. Здесь вы узнаете о традиционных инструментах, песнях и танцах.
🌟Присоединяйтесь к каналу «Музыкальная история Норвегии» и погружайтесь в удивительный мир норвежской культуры!
🇳🇴Музыкальная история Норвегии🇳🇴
Секретные аудиокниги, которые вам не дадут спать! Узнайте, почему эти аудиокниги стали мировым феноменом.
Слушайте и погружайтесь в увлекательные истории, которые заставят ваше сердце биться быстрее.
Не упустите возможность ощутить головокружительный водоворот эмоций вместе с нами, подписывайтесь: @najimay
Какие секреты хранили писатели?
🌟Восхищаешься произведениями великих писателей и мечтаешь обладать таким же талантом!
✍️А знаете, что в жизни многие из великих писателей совершали поступки, которые точно не украсили бы их биографию?
💥 Будьте готовы узнать о скандалах в жизни писателей, о тайных любовных историях, которые вдохновили на произведения💔
Подписывайтесь на канал, чтобы быть в курсе
📖Библик | Литература
The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, put the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however, when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the painted rabbit in the foreground.
"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.
"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see this picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and get excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ARITHMETIC
"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the fish?'
"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get any answer.
"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and—.'
"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'
"'Yep,' said the captain.
"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ANCESTRY
A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him, he finally observed:
"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."
"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed the Declaration of Independence."
"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:
"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the Ten Commandments."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed veteran.
"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.
"Sire, at Austerlitz."
"And were you not decorated?"
"No, sire."
"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."
"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What would your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"
"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion."
Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his other arm.
There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is, how did he do it?
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
AMERICANS
Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the United States.
It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and asked:
"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"
"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."
"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half a dozen voices at once.
"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the injured lady swung him into the air."
"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see this yourself?"
"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the blanc mange."
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
Планируете визит или переезд в Питер? Но знаете только Невский проспект, Лахта-Центр и Эрмитаж?
💙Мой город — Питер – ваш бесплатный гид по прекрасному Санкт-Петербургу.
- Архитектурные шедевры
- Памятники и культовые места
- Афиша мероприятий
Ищете модные и необычные заведения? Или уютную кофейню, где можно поработать в ноутбуке? Хотите устроить шумную ночь или пройтись по выставкам?
В любом случае, вам сюда!
Подписывайтесь и Питер будет у вас на ладони: @spbmycity
The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:
"I beg your pardon, madam."
Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.
"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.
🇬🇧 @one_story | Культурные каналы
ALIBI
A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an "English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies how the accident had happened.
"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred."
Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:
"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."
@one_story
Это — выжимки бессонниц,
Это — свеч кривых нагар,
Это — сотен белых звонниц
Первый утренний удар…
Это — тёплый подоконник
Под черниговской луной,
Это — пчелы, это — донник,
Это — пыль, и мрак, и зной.
Если вы любите читать и слушать стихи, то этот канал для вас: Стихи | Главные поэты.
Здесь вы найдете самые разные жанры и стили, от классики до современности, от лирики до сатиры, от романтики до фантастики. Вы сможете насладиться творчеством известных и не таких известных поэтов.
Не упустите возможность погрузиться в мир поэзии. Подписывайтесь на канал со стихами прямо сейчас и приглашайте своих друзей. Вы достойны этого удовольствия:
/channel/+Rn_75Vu0s1YxM2Ji
👆🏻
