1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
The old church needed a fresh coat of paint
But money was tight in the budget, so the pastor figured he would save a few bucks by only buying about half the paint that was needed and thinning it out with turpentine to make it go farther. So he did this, and the next Saturday the entire congregation gathered to help paint the church.
They worked all day, from dawn til dusk, and when they were finished the church had a beautiful fresh coat of paint. But just as they were packing up to go home, storm clouds suddenly rolled in, and a torrential downpour began. The rain washed all of the thinned paint off the church's walls, undoing their whole day's work.
And a mighty voice boomed down from the heavens: "REPAINT... and thin no more!!"
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Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.
After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."
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A young man comes to the confessional: "Forgive me father, I have sinned. I was with a woman of dubious morals."
The pastor asks, "Is that you, Jimmy?"
"Yes, it is I, father."
"And who was this woman you talk about?"
"I can't tell you that, father. I wouldn't want to sully her name."
"I'll find out sooner or later, so it doesn't matter if you tell me now. Was it that girl Kathy Miller?"
"I mustn't say."
"It was Mary Smith, wasn't it?"
"I am not telling."
"Sally Rogers?"
"I will be silent as a grave."
"How about Betty Teller, then?"
"Father, do not ask, I won't betray her."
"Then it must have been Peggy Jones?"
"Please, father, I vowed to remain silent."
The priest sighs reluctantly. "You truly are determined, Jimmy. I almost have to admire you. But you have sinned and you have to do penance for it. You are not allowed to show your face in this church for three weeks! Now go in peace."
Jimmy returns to his bench where his best friend greets him. "Well, how was it?"
"Great!"
"What did you get?"
"Three weeks of vacation and five good tips."
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Do you know why a vampire will never suck a lawyer's blood?
Professional courtesy.
https://redd.it/1bxhnmc
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Dad shark is teaching his son to hunt humans
Dad: so when you see a human, you menacingly circle around him 6-7 times, then you go for the kill
Son : why not just circle once and go for it?
Dad : he will still be full of shit by then
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I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today
His mother did not seem happy
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I came home from the pub and told my wife the postman had been boasting how he'd slept with every married woman on our street except one
she said 'I bet it's that Mrs Jacobs next door, the snobby cow.'
https://redd.it/1bxardj
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A young man asks a lazy Kungfu-master to teach him Kungfu..
''Master can you teach me Kungfu?'' The young man asks. The lazy Kungfu master takes a look at him and says ''I don't think you are ready, your body is not in shape for my training, go and work out for 5 years and come back when you are in shape.'' The young man returns 5 years later with a body sculpted like a Greek God. ''Will you teach me Kungfu now master?'' The lazy master tells him ''It is good that you are now in a good shape, but you also need to have the right state of mind. Go and meditate for the next 5 years watching the sun during sunrise and dawn every day, then come back to me.'' The man does as the master asks and comes back to him 5 years later. ''Master I have done as you asked, my mind is now at peace, will you teach me Kungfu?'' The lazy master says ''Just one last step, now combine what you have learned through your body and mind, go and train until you can meditate and levitate above the ground 5ft.'' The man leaves for 5 more years and comes back. ''Master I have done as you asked.'' He sits on the ground and starts meditating, then levitates 5ft above the ground. ''Holy shit!'' exclaimed the Kungfu master.
​
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A kung-fu student comes to his master...
A kung-fu student comes to his master:
"Master, why do I seem not to properly develop my kung-fu skills?"
The master takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says:
- My student. Have you ever noticed the flaming seagulls flying beneath the sun on sunset?
"Yes master, I have."
- But have you closely watched the waterfall and the way water falls on rocks without moving them?
"Yes master, I have watched them with immense attention"
The master takes another deep breath, and asks:
- HAVE YOU... watched how the smallest creatures may thrive even on the most inhospitable habitats?
"Yes master. I have noticed them."
That's why. You keep looking at that shit and don't train.
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3 Brits are on holiday in Iran, smoking weed while sitting on a bench:
One is goth girl, the second is a very progressive man with a rainbow t-shirt, the 3rd is a business man in suit and tie.
A police officer comes over, and instantly arrrests the business man, taking him into his car. He then starts to drive off.
"Why did you arrest me?" Asks the business man
"Well, weed is haram, and very much illegal here in the islamic republic of iran" said the officer
"What about the others? They were smoking it too!" Exclaims the man
"That is true" said the officer "but over here we also dont have any issue with women and gays getting stoned"
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Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?”
Oh, just throwing pebbles in the pond.”
The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?”
I was throwing pebbles in the pond, too.”
"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing pebbles in the pond as well?”
No, sir. I AM Pebbles."
https://redd.it/1bwc929
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The truck driver and the monkey
Truck driver who has a monkey along for the ride with a load of chickens, stops every time they meet a female hitchhiker. The truck driver asks "fuck or walk" as she enters the cab. The first several times the answer is "walk" and she is thrown off the truck again. Finally there is a girl who bites the hook and replies "fuck". The truck driver puts the monkey in the cargo room, does the girl, gets behind the wheel and continues the trip. After some time a car comes up to the side of the truck, and signals to the truck driver to stop. He stops and asks "what's wrong". "I've been driving after you for some time and your chickens are falling off, one by one". They head towards the back of the truck and as they approach the back door they hear the monkey: "fuck or walk" a "wraaark" and a chicken come flying out of the cargo.
English is not my first language, this is a translation of a danish joke.
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...
The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."
The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."
The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."
The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."
The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."
The farmer adds, "But... it's hard to fool those circle flies."
https://redd.it/1bw0ucn
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A Texan walks into an Irish pub and says,
"I heard y'all Irishmen really like your Guiness, you know what, I'm gonna give 500 American dollars to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guiness in a go. Does anybody accept?"
The pub falls dead silent and one gentleman even gets up and leaves. Said gentleman returns 10 minutes later and asks the Texan "Hey, is your bet still standing?" "Yes", replies the Texan.
The gentleman then tells the bartender to pour him 10 pints of Guiness and to the bewilderment of everyone including the Texan, finishes it in one go.
The Texan then asks him "Don't mind me asking, but where were you those 10 minutes ?". The man replies, "Well, I went to the pub across the street. I had to know if I could actually do it".
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Here is a joke that made my 7 year old twins laugh like hyenas.
On a flight, the passengers suddenly hear:
“Here is your pilot. Today is my 10.000th flight. I would like to do something special. Would you like to experience a loop? Then applaud.”
The excited passengers applaud.
The pilot says, “ok, fasten your seatbelts”, and a few moments later he does a perfectly executed loop.
Everyone is laughing and applauding.
“Would you like to experience a corkscrew roll?”
More applause and the pilot does the manoeuvre to loud acclaim.
“Ok, this was it, enjoy the rest of your flight.”
At that moment, the toilet opens, and a wet and soiled man shuffles out and shouts, “Do you think that’s funny?!”
https://redd.it/1bvnz3w
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A man finds a lamp with a genie inside
A man finds a lamp with a genie inside. The genie tells the man that he can grant him one wish. Since the man is already quite wealthy and relatively happy, he asks for the only thing bothering him at the moment - he asks to reach orgasm at the same time as his wife.
After a few weeks, the man returns to the lamp, rubs it and the genie comes out.
"Hey Genie, I'm afraid I'll have to cancel my last wish."
"What's wrong? Did I make a mistake while granting the wish?" curiously asks the genie.
"Well no, nothing's wrong, but imagine this: You're in the pub with your friends. You're playing cards, drinking beer... and suddenly - Orgasm."
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Gorrila walked into a bar.
A big Silverback gorrila walked into a bar , a grumbled, "give me a beer."
The bartender poured him a beer, "that will be $ 6 please."
The gorrila grumbled and reluctantly tossed out a $10 bill.
The bartender said , "say we don't get many gorrilas in here."
The gorrila said, "yeah, and at these prices you're not likely to get many more."
https://redd.it/1by2hm7
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I invented an incredibly energy-efficient airplane that runs only on four AA batteries.
Unfortunately, it never really took off.
https://redd.it/1bxp1mg
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In the XVI century a widow named Ana was found guilty of pleasuring herself with an exotic fruit. She was immediately Banned from her community.
As no one knew the name of the fruit, they decided to call it the Ban Ana fruit.
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My mom always told me I’d be a terrible father.
Joke’s on you, Mom. I just got a letter from the IRS saying I have outstanding child support.
https://redd.it/1bxmpry
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Midnight burglary
A thief breaks into a house and takes the husband and wife hostage, he makes them sit on a chair and ties them up, then he slowly and precisely starts to steal from the house. After taking everything of value the thief prepares to leave leaving the homeowners still bound to their chairs. Suddenly the man yells
"Please untie her! Please let her go"
The thief wanting to prevent them from calling the police says
"No, I won't untie either of you but don't worry the neighbors will notice the lights and check in"
The man:"Please! Please untie her I'll do anything"
The burgler remains firm in his decision
"I can't take any risks with this crime I'm sorry"
In a state of confusion the man shuffles his chair closer and explains
"I'm begging you just let her go she won't call the police I promise"
The burgler finds it quite touching how much this man cares about his wife
"Wow you must really love your wife to beg so desperately for her freedom"
The man replies
"My wife will be home in 15 minutes"
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An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."
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A blonde walks in a bank to get a loan. “I need to borrow $100 for a month,” she says.
The banker frowns, but takes her information anyway. He runs her credit but can’t find a report. “I’m sorry,” he says, “but in the absence of a credit record, we’ll have to charge 20% interest on the loan, and you’ll need to put up collateral.
“What does that mean?” the blonde says.
“It means,” the banker says, “you’ll have to repay us $120, and you’ll need to give us something more valuable to hold onto until you pay us back.”
“Something more valuable?” The blonde says. “How about my Ferrari?”
The banker nearly snorts his coffee all over his desk, but he prides himself on customer service so he soldiers on. He runs the title on the Ferrari and what do you know, the blonde owns it free and clear. “Okay, he says, “I’ll print out the papers.”
“Just so I understand,” the blonde says, “I give you my Ferrari and you give me a hundred dollars, right? And then in a month, I give you $120 and you give me my Ferrari back?”
“Yes,” the banker says, “that’s the deal.”
She signs the paperwork and hands him the keys. He counts out $100 for her and watches her saunter out the door.
A month to the day later, he’s sitting at his desk when the blonde saunters back in. She hands him $120 and says “I get my car back, right?”
“Yep, he says as he hands her the keys. She turns to go but he stops her. “Miss, I really have to ask, why did you use a $140,000 car as collateral on a $100 loan?”
“Oh!” The blonde says. “I got called out of town unexpectedly on business. How else can I park a Ferrari for a month in Manhattan for only $20?”
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Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex.
A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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A man in a grocery store notices a woman with a 3 year old girl in her cart.
As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, "Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go. Don't throw a fit, it won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. She takes one and puts it into the mother's cart, but the mother calmly puts it back on the shelf and says, "Missy, don't cry. Two more aisles and we'll be checking out."
When they get to the checkout counter, the little girl howls for gum. She once again grabs one and places it in the cart, and once again her mother places it back on the shelf. The mother says reassuringly, "Missy, we'll be done in 5 minutes, then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
The man sees all of this and is absolutely stunned at the mother's incredible patience with her screaming child. After what seems like ages, the mother finally checks out. She goes to her car and starts packing everything into the trunk, but then the man runs out and stops the woman to compliment her.
"I couldn't help but notice how patient you were with little Missy," he says. "She was very annoying but you acted perfectly."
The mother then says with a smile: "My little girl's name is Francine. Missy is *my* name."
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My blind girlfriend cheated on me
Joke's on me, I never thought she'd be seeing anyone else.
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What do pornstars call their privates?
Their publics.
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So I met this girl at the County Fair...
Before I even got her name, we're making out.
An hour later, we're going at it on the Ferris wheel.
She took me home to meet her momma that night.
Momma said, "You know, we named our sweet girl Nevaeh. It's 'heaven' spelled backwards."
I said, "Momma, you shoulda named her Tulsa."
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I matched with an empty-picture Tinder profile
We had a brief conversation. Clever and humorous, so I proposed a date. Yes, she replied.
I was guessing she'll be 400 pounds. However, it was she who answered the door—this little strawberry blonde with a lustrous head and well formed curves everywhere. After exchanging our true names, I asked her what does she do for work. "Sunday school teacher," she says. I'm taking her to the second-best restaurant I can think of even though I've never had a Christian girl.
I ask her if she's hungry as I take out a joint of my finest cannabis. She responds, "Heavens no, what would i tell my sunday school children?" . Well, some people smoke, and some people don't, so I didn't give it much attention.
When we get to the restaurant, she orders the lobster while I get a steak. I choose the second-most costly bottle of wine available. However, when the waitress brings it she says she doesn't drink. Im mindblown. "You don't drink?"
"Heavens no. How would I explain this to my Sunday school students?"
We laugh at one other's jokes and have a nice time, but when I sip from that expensive bottle by myself, I realize this is a disaster.
As I'm driving her home i pass a cheap hotel and figuring i got nothing to lose ask her :"want to get a room and knock boots?"
She says "I thought you'd never ask."
I'm like really?!? "what will you tell your sunday school children?"
She said: the same thing i tell them every week
"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time "
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To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused jury service. “Tell me,” rapped the judge, “is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in this trial?”
The man replied: “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”
“Can’t they do without you at work?"
demanded the judge.
“Yes,” admitted the juror.
“But I don’t want them to realize it.”
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